Hellooo where are you?

Tomorrow will be four weeks since my surgery. Body is not cooperating and I still haven’t started my cycle yet. Hopefully this week. If it doesn’t come by Feb 8th we are supposed to call the doctor. I’m sure thinking about it every day isn’t helping. He told me it’s probably the stress that’s keeping it away. I know, I know, everyone says “Don’t stress”. Easier said than done people. If you even know me at all, I am not a patient person. I also am someone that likes to be in fully control of my life. I’m a go-getter; and if I want something I do what it takes to get it. This is probably why this has affected my life so much. For once, something was completely out of my hands and there was nothing that I could do to change it.

This has helped me slow down a bit and also helped me prepare a little better this time as well. We have done a lot to prepare the baby room. Well actually to be honest I picked everything out and he did all the physical work (Thanks again hun, you’re the best!). It’s all coming together and we are taking one step at a time. I can’t wait to have a little one to be able to enjoy the space.

I have a feeling this week will go by incredibly slow. Guess I will have to keep myself busy with work and school as usual. Took next weekend off at OG to relax a little. He got me a gift certificate to a spa for my birthday and I think it’s time to pamper myself :)

The Dream

Back around 8 weeks along I had a very memorable dream. I was holding my baby boy in my arms; he was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. My family and friends were with me and they all wanted to hold my baby. I passed him along but once out of my arms I never got him back. I just sat there watching everyone else hold him and pass him around watching with jealousy. Can’t I just hold my own baby?

I can still remember this dream and relive it when I close my eyes. I have never been one to try and decipher dreams as I can never remember them anyways, but this one was different. All I wanted was my baby but I couldn’t have him for some reason. Then 3 weeks later I found out about the MC. Was this some kind of strange omen? Was I able to predict what was inevitable to happen? I never thought a second about it when it occurred; I even told him about it and was joking about the dream when I woke up. But it was only a dream. I wish it could have lasted longer.

The Journey Continues

Please do not think that this experience has turned me into Negative Nancy. I have also taken some positive life lessons from this incident. I mostly have learned how to love deeper than I ever have before and to appreciate the things I do have in my life.
He has been so supportive and I do not know how I could have gone through this without him. I dont know how I will ever repay him. This has made me realize just what kind of man he is. I am proud to be the woman by his side and hope to one day be his partner for life. I do still have my health which they say is in excellent condition. I am also forever greatful for the family that I have. My parents are the most loving and caring parents and would do anything to see me happy. Then there are my very close friends that they almost seem like family more than a mere friend. They have all been there for me to lend a shoulder to cry on and also give me the space when needed. We also have two beautiful dogs who I wouldnt replace for the world...although sometimes I threaten them with going to the pound when I find they pee on the floor or chew my favorite sandel.
Although it has been almost a month since we found out about the MC I notice it has been a little easier every day to talk about it now. I think the best think to do over a tragedy is to express yourself instead of holding those emotions inside of you. I'm no doctor, but from experience this has helped me greatly. I have just started telling friends about the MC which was impossible to do before. I know they will all be supportive, as they wouldnt be my friends if they werent.
Moving forward (but not moving on), I had my D&C surgery 3 weeks ago yesterday. Went to the post-surgery appointment Jan 22nd and the Doc told us we could try again after my first cycle. We are going to start trying again at that point in time. Please wish us luck and keep us in your prayers. I will keep you posted on what is going on.

My Life as I Know it

Peoples lives can change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. I know my life has changed so much since the first day I found out I would be a Mother. Being a Mother is something I have always hoped and dreamed for my whole life but have never found a partner that I could imagine full filling this dream with. That was until I met him. Strangely enough we have so much in common but yet we compliment each others personalities. I feel safe with him and know I and my future children will be not in good but great hands. I couldn't have picked a better partner and thank God that he has brought him into my life.

December 30Th
Today is the day we will hear the baby's heartbeat at 11 weeks. We are both very excited and it is hard for me to sleep the night prior. He came with me to my appointment as he always does and sits by my side being as supportive as he always has. Met our physician today as well. She seems nice, although wasn't as comfortable with her as I thought I'd be. I was given a physical exam and she said everything looked normal. Then went on to hear the heartbeat through a microphone of some sort. There was a lot of static....then there was my heartbeat.... more static.....and nothing. She said my uterus appeared tipped and she would send me downstairs to the hospital to get an Ultrasound. This didn't seem to worry him at all, but I think from a Mothers instinct I felt like something wasn't right.
Went downstairs for the Ultrasound, felt like forever passed until we were called in. The nurse applied the Jelly to my stomach and began searching. Searched, took pictures and for some reason she couldnt find the heartbeat. This is when I felt a strange pain throughout my body. When the doctor came in he said he looked at the pictures and there was no heartbeat. "I'm sorry, but it appears that you had a miscarriage" is all I heard. He talked some more about what had happened but I froze unable to move, speak, or want to believe this was happening.
I was 11 weeks along, my baby stopped breathing at 9. How do I live without blaming myself for something I might have done? Of course they say it is nothing that you did for this to happen, but how do they really know? I feel like I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life. I feel void/null/blank/empty/sad/devestated and in disbelief. Will this pain ever subside?

Back to the Beginning

November 23rd we found out we were expecting. Most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. He was up North hunting and I was just arriving at work at a nearby bank. Bought an EPT on the way and when I took it.....it was POSITIVE. This was a feeling that I never felt. Was happy, nervous, excited and worried all at the same time. He felt the same and I couldnt wait for him to get home so we could talk about it. We chose to wait to tell our parents until Thanksgiving 2009 which was only a week later. Everyone was very excited and the grandparents all wanted a baby girl. We preferred a boy but would take whatever healthy baby we could get.

Had our first appt with the nurse a few weeks later, found out I was 7 weeks along. At the appt everything felt so real and I had a smile on my face the whole time. In only a little over 8 months I would be meeting my baby for the first time. This was the greatest feeling in the world. The nurse figured our due date as July 21st 2010. How perfect: I had always wanted a summer baby. We didnt start on the nursery yet, although secretly that's all I wanted to do. He felt like it was too soon and we decided to postpone working on the baby room until I was showing. Next appointment was scheduled with our physician (who we had not met yet) on December 30th. We were going to hear the baby's heartbeat and have a routine physical. I was 11 weeks along. I was very excited about this appointment, the day just could not come soon enough. And right before New Years, what a great way to start the new year. So I thought....