I was feeling a little lost today so I decided to write everything down. At times it does help to do so, but sometimes it only brings back the hurt and sadness. Today I decided it would help. My weekend was very full of events so it felt like it went by faster than usual. Friday the bride-to-be came down and we met up at the mall after I got out of work to find bridesmaid dresses. Apparently the decision was already made because when I went into the store my dress was on hold and I only had to try it on and pay for it. She chose a dark pink for the dress and decided that we will all wear silver shoes. I need to remember to add that to my shopping list. After a bit of shopping we went to dinner and a movie. It was a pretty laid back night. The next day I offered to go shopping with her to help out more with the wedding but she just wanted to get home. So we went for breakfast and she went back up North shortly afterwards. I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would to see her pregnant belly. The only time I was stung with a bit of hurt was every time she rubbed her belly. I know she didn't mean it maliciously, but it was like being reminded that she was pregnant and I was not. I had a baby shower the next day for another friend so then I went shopping for pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
Again, I thought the baby shower would be hard for me to sit through but I really wasn't bothered that much at all. The only thing that did was sitting in a room full of woman who where either married, engaged, pregnant or had kids. We were pretty much all around the same age group and I felt like I was the odd one out. I want to be happy like that someday. I'm tired of being the girlfriend. I'm tired of being child-less. I've been proposed to before but I wasn't ready. I could have had kids years ago but I wasn't ready. Well I'm ready for the next step in my life. I have found my life partner and am ready for my Happily Ever After.
This weekend was also a bit stressful as on Friday morning I got a positive that I finally ovulated. This means we only have a small window to conceive. I went home from work at lunch on Friday and we BD. We also BD on the previous Tuesday and then Sunday. We really didn't try that hard which I am pretty bummed about. But maybe we got lucky. I'm scheduled to start AF next Saturday if it was a no go. I'm going to be proactive though and go in to get a blood test next Wednesday though just to be on the safe side. If we did indeed conceive a little miracle then I want to go in and start getting my weekly shots of Progesterone. I can only hope!!!
"Dear God, I am ready to be a mother and have never been more ready in my life. I want to raise children and get married and do everything that you are supposed to do. I want to be happy and I believe this is the route to my happiness. Do you see a miracle in our future anytime soon? I hope my two angel babies arent causing too much trouble up there :) I also hope they are looking after their mother because I am truly starting to lose hope. Amen"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
It's Now or Never
This week has been going by relatively fast. He went to get fitted for his tux for his brothers wedding which is in May. The bride will be coming down this Friday so we can go shopping and find me and another girl a bridesmaid dress. I'm happy I will get to spend some time with her but to be completely honest it will hurt to see her growing belly. She found out she was pregnant about a month after us back in December. And now she has a growing belly that looks like "a small basketball under her shirt" <- Actual words from her mouth. I know it's going to hurt to be around her and I will be thinking that should be me right next to her with a growing belly as well. But I know I will suck it up and act like nothing out of the ordinary but will really be crying inside. Even after this much time after my m/c, it still hurts. No one can truly understand what I am going/went through unless they have experienced it first hand. I had a friend in Florida who didn't know she was even pregnant and then delivered a stillborn baby boy last year. When I found out I cried my eyes out for her thinking about what she must be going through. Little did I know I would know a few months later.
I finished my prescription of Clomid last Friday which I am happy to report. The side effect that kicked my butt the most was the headaches and fatigue. All I wanted to do the entire week was sleep. I daydreamed about sleeping while I was at work and napped right when I got home. Would wake up and eat dinner, and then right back in bed. I feel better this week although the headaches still come and go. I called my doc yesterday because I wasn't sure if the headaches were being caused by the Clomid or if there was something else wrong. She confirmed that yes Clomid does in fact increase headaches. It was a bit of a reliever to know there wasn't anything additional wrong with me. On the down side though she said the Clomid will be in my system for a while and that means the side effects will be there until it was gone. Just my luck, if it wasn't one thing it's another.
This week the ovulation calendar says it's time to BD. We are planning on it for the next few nights, but I hope it doesn't grow old and we give up. Trying isn't as much fun as it sounds. It's stressful and yanks the romance out of it. Why is it that most people do not even have to "try"? They just "get" pregnant, some not even knowing it. I don't know why this has been such a difficult task for us to accomplish. I really hope we get some good news soon. I'm going to be heartbroken if in May I get AF again instead of a BFP. Being positive and keeping faith can be really hard at times. Especially when we try so hard for something and get nothing in return.
"Dear God, please give us a little miracle. I know it's not much to some people but this would be my dream come true. We would give the child the best life that we possibly could. I know we will be great parents and we cant handle getting hurt again. Please take this pain away. Amen."
I finished my prescription of Clomid last Friday which I am happy to report. The side effect that kicked my butt the most was the headaches and fatigue. All I wanted to do the entire week was sleep. I daydreamed about sleeping while I was at work and napped right when I got home. Would wake up and eat dinner, and then right back in bed. I feel better this week although the headaches still come and go. I called my doc yesterday because I wasn't sure if the headaches were being caused by the Clomid or if there was something else wrong. She confirmed that yes Clomid does in fact increase headaches. It was a bit of a reliever to know there wasn't anything additional wrong with me. On the down side though she said the Clomid will be in my system for a while and that means the side effects will be there until it was gone. Just my luck, if it wasn't one thing it's another.
This week the ovulation calendar says it's time to BD. We are planning on it for the next few nights, but I hope it doesn't grow old and we give up. Trying isn't as much fun as it sounds. It's stressful and yanks the romance out of it. Why is it that most people do not even have to "try"? They just "get" pregnant, some not even knowing it. I don't know why this has been such a difficult task for us to accomplish. I really hope we get some good news soon. I'm going to be heartbroken if in May I get AF again instead of a BFP. Being positive and keeping faith can be really hard at times. Especially when we try so hard for something and get nothing in return.
"Dear God, please give us a little miracle. I know it's not much to some people but this would be my dream come true. We would give the child the best life that we possibly could. I know we will be great parents and we cant handle getting hurt again. Please take this pain away. Amen."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Long Time Coming
It has been way too long since I have written on here so I will update on the last current events. First order on the agenda was that I discontinued seeing my therapist. She seemed very nice, but I don't think it was for me. It was awkward telling her how I felt and what I went through. I just don't see the purpose in telling a complete stranger my inner most thoughts. But for some that it works for, that's great, but it just wasn't for me.
AF arrived exactly on schedule on Saturday the 10th. I was a little sad of course (I was secretly hoping for a BFP), but why shouldnt I be? That morning was terrible. I woke up and felt AF nearing around the corner with her arrival any second. I jumped in the shower and immediatly started getting light headed and dizzy. This was how I felt when I almost past out after giving 12 viles of blood a week ago. I wasnt able to stand any longer and thought I would pass out so I layed in the tub for a while. he came in and helped me to bed and made me something to eat. I dont know what happened but maybe it was because I have only had 2 periods in the last 5 months. Perhaps low blood sugar....who knows. I napped for a few hours and woke up to AF knocking on the door and I hesitatly let her in. It wasnt so bad though because I was looking forward to starting my prescription of 50mg Clomid that my doctor had prescribed. I was to take it on day 3 of AF throughout day 7. I started taking the little white pill Monday and havent had many side effects. I read that they range from mood swings, to heart burn to headaches to hot flashes. I think I MIGHT have had a hot flash on day #2 but im not sure. I got really sweaty from doing little work. And I HAVE had more headaches than usual. I thought it was from stress but I stress all the time and have never had this many headaches in one day. So far so good though. If this is what it takes to have a healthy lil guy/girl then im ok with that. We plan to BD next week all week long just to make sure we dont mess up our chances on Clomid Baby. I just hope we are feeling up to it.
AF arrived exactly on schedule on Saturday the 10th. I was a little sad of course (I was secretly hoping for a BFP), but why shouldnt I be? That morning was terrible. I woke up and felt AF nearing around the corner with her arrival any second. I jumped in the shower and immediatly started getting light headed and dizzy. This was how I felt when I almost past out after giving 12 viles of blood a week ago. I wasnt able to stand any longer and thought I would pass out so I layed in the tub for a while. he came in and helped me to bed and made me something to eat. I dont know what happened but maybe it was because I have only had 2 periods in the last 5 months. Perhaps low blood sugar....who knows. I napped for a few hours and woke up to AF knocking on the door and I hesitatly let her in. It wasnt so bad though because I was looking forward to starting my prescription of 50mg Clomid that my doctor had prescribed. I was to take it on day 3 of AF throughout day 7. I started taking the little white pill Monday and havent had many side effects. I read that they range from mood swings, to heart burn to headaches to hot flashes. I think I MIGHT have had a hot flash on day #2 but im not sure. I got really sweaty from doing little work. And I HAVE had more headaches than usual. I thought it was from stress but I stress all the time and have never had this many headaches in one day. So far so good though. If this is what it takes to have a healthy lil guy/girl then im ok with that. We plan to BD next week all week long just to make sure we dont mess up our chances on Clomid Baby. I just hope we are feeling up to it.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Results Are In and I Dont Feel Better
Considering it has been over a week I figured I had better show some "Blog Love". My Easter weekend went by quickly. I had gone down to Kentucky to visit my grandparents and many other relatives were also visiting which was nice to have us all together. Ended up going to the Horse Races with my grandfather and a few others which was interesting as I had never been before. One thing I didn't understand is why everyone gets so dressed up to go gamble. I mean the guys were in suits and the woman were in dresses and heels. So naturally I felt a little out of place wearing jeans. Other than that it was a great time despite losing. Saturday we went to an Easter Egg hunt downtown New Haven and watched my little cousin having a blast. Sunday was of course Easter dinner and it made me realize how much I love my Nana's cooking. It was a great mini vacay overall. I couldn't have asked for a better time.
Monday was back to the old grind. I knew my appointment was later in the afternoon at 3:30 and the day couldn't drag by any slower. When I had finally made it through my day I headed to my OBGYN office. This was the appointment where I got my lab results back and perhaps discovering a reason behind my miscarriages. I don't know at this point if I wanted a reason or not but when she told me there was nothing unusual and that I was completely healthy I was a bit shocked. How could a healthy persons body reject two children already? I don't know what to think. She said she could test him, refer us to Genetic Testing, or wait until my next cycle and put me on Clomid. I said we would do option #3 for now. Although when I got home I felt that after everything I had gone through and am going through that maybe he should get checked as well. That way if it comes back that he is healthy too then we wont be so scared about trying again. I don't want to keep trying and keep having m/c. I want to figure out the cause and treat it if possible. I brought it up to him and it seemed like it wasn't something he considered doing. Really?? After everything, you cannot do one thing for me and our future children? Now you see why I feel alone...
Monday was back to the old grind. I knew my appointment was later in the afternoon at 3:30 and the day couldn't drag by any slower. When I had finally made it through my day I headed to my OBGYN office. This was the appointment where I got my lab results back and perhaps discovering a reason behind my miscarriages. I don't know at this point if I wanted a reason or not but when she told me there was nothing unusual and that I was completely healthy I was a bit shocked. How could a healthy persons body reject two children already? I don't know what to think. She said she could test him, refer us to Genetic Testing, or wait until my next cycle and put me on Clomid. I said we would do option #3 for now. Although when I got home I felt that after everything I had gone through and am going through that maybe he should get checked as well. That way if it comes back that he is healthy too then we wont be so scared about trying again. I don't want to keep trying and keep having m/c. I want to figure out the cause and treat it if possible. I brought it up to him and it seemed like it wasn't something he considered doing. Really?? After everything, you cannot do one thing for me and our future children? Now you see why I feel alone...
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