It's Now or Never

This week has been going by relatively fast. He went to get fitted for his tux for his brothers wedding which is in May. The bride will be coming down this Friday so we can go shopping and find me and another girl a bridesmaid dress. I'm happy I will get to spend some time with her but to be completely honest it will hurt to see her growing belly. She found out she was pregnant about a month after us back in December. And now she has a growing belly that looks like "a small basketball under her shirt" <- Actual words from her mouth. I know it's going to hurt to be around her and I will be thinking that should be me right next to her with a growing belly as well. But I know I will suck it up and act like nothing out of the ordinary but will really be crying inside. Even after this much time after my m/c, it still hurts. No one can truly understand what I am going/went through unless they have experienced it first hand. I had a friend in Florida who didn't know she was even pregnant and then delivered a stillborn baby boy last year. When I found out I cried my eyes out for her thinking about what she must be going through. Little did I know I would know a few months later.

I finished my prescription of Clomid last Friday which I am happy to report. The side effect that kicked my butt the most was the headaches and fatigue. All I wanted to do the entire week was sleep. I daydreamed about sleeping while I was at work and napped right when I got home. Would wake up and eat dinner, and then right back in bed. I feel better this week although the headaches still come and go. I called my doc yesterday because I wasn't sure if the headaches were being caused by the Clomid or if there was something else wrong. She confirmed that yes Clomid does in fact increase headaches. It was a bit of a reliever to know there wasn't anything additional wrong with me. On the down side though she said the Clomid will be in my system for a while and that means the side effects will be there until it was gone. Just my luck, if it wasn't one thing it's another.

This week the ovulation calendar says it's time to BD. We are planning on it for the next few nights, but I hope it doesn't grow old and we give up. Trying isn't as much fun as it sounds. It's stressful and yanks the romance out of it. Why is it that most people do not even have to "try"? They just "get" pregnant, some not even knowing it. I don't know why this has been such a difficult task for us to accomplish. I really hope we get some good news soon. I'm going to be heartbroken if in May I get AF again instead of a BFP. Being positive and keeping faith can be really hard at times. Especially when we try so hard for something and get nothing in return.

"Dear God, please give us a little miracle. I know it's not much to some people but this would be my dream come true. We would give the child the best life that we possibly could. I know we will be great parents and we cant handle getting hurt again. Please take this pain away. Amen."