When the Going Gets Tough

I was feeling a little lost today so I decided to write everything down. At times it does help to do so, but sometimes it only brings back the hurt and sadness. Today I decided it would help. My weekend was very full of events so it felt like it went by faster than usual. Friday the bride-to-be came down and we met up at the mall after I got out of work to find bridesmaid dresses. Apparently the decision was already made because when I went into the store my dress was on hold and I only had to try it on and pay for it. She chose a dark pink for the dress and decided that we will all wear silver shoes. I need to remember to add that to my shopping list. After a bit of shopping we went to dinner and a movie. It was a pretty laid back night. The next day I offered to go shopping with her to help out more with the wedding but she just wanted to get home. So we went for breakfast and she went back up North shortly afterwards. I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would to see her pregnant belly. The only time I was stung with a bit of hurt was every time she rubbed her belly. I know she didn't mean it maliciously, but it was like being reminded that she was pregnant and I was not. I had a baby shower the next day for another friend so then I went shopping for pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
Again, I thought the baby shower would be hard for me to sit through but I really wasn't bothered that much at all. The only thing that did was sitting in a room full of woman who where either married, engaged, pregnant or had kids. We were pretty much all around the same age group and I felt like I was the odd one out. I want to be happy like that someday. I'm tired of being the girlfriend. I'm tired of being child-less. I've been proposed to before but I wasn't ready. I could have had kids years ago but I wasn't ready. Well I'm ready for the next step in my life. I have found my life partner and am ready for my Happily Ever After.

This weekend was also a bit stressful as on Friday morning I got a positive that I finally ovulated. This means we only have a small window to conceive. I went home from work at lunch on Friday and we BD. We also BD on the previous Tuesday and then Sunday. We really didn't try that hard which I am pretty bummed about. But maybe we got lucky. I'm scheduled to start AF next Saturday if it was a no go. I'm going to be proactive though and go in to get a blood test next Wednesday though just to be on the safe side. If we did indeed conceive a little miracle then I want to go in and start getting my weekly shots of Progesterone. I can only hope!!!

"Dear God, I am ready to be a mother and have never been more ready in my life. I want to raise children and get married and do everything that you are supposed to do. I want to be happy and I believe this is the route to my happiness. Do you see a miracle in our future anytime soon? I hope my two angel babies arent causing too much trouble up there :) I also hope they are looking after their mother because I am truly starting to lose hope. Amen"