Back to the Basics

Time has seemed to fly since we first found out about our m/c on December 30th 2009. We have gone through so much and I am hoping that only the best is to come. I never forget about our angel baby that we have lost and think about them everyday. Wherever you are, your mommy loves you very much and would have done anything that she could to have kept you here with her in this world. I loved you since the moment I saw the two pink lines and I will never forget you.

Before we had found out about our m/c we never had a thought in our mind that this could happen. We were both healthy, active and young. Yet God works in mysterious ways. I felt like an outsider when I came to terms with what had just happened. I had realized at that moment I didn't know anyone else who had experienced this type of loss. Although from there on out other woman started opening up to me (even some that I've known for years!) about their past m/c and experiences. I thought I was alone and that this type of thing rarely happened but now I know that this is more common than many people think. Our doctor told us one in every four pregnancies end in miscarriage. ONE in FOUR!!! I just want to thank each and every woman who had the courage to share their m/c with me. This has been the best type of healing that I could have asked for. I feel like I have a special bond with each of these woman now. This has made them and myself stronger. Why do people feel they should be ashamed after a miscarriage? I believe that it is mostly because they feel singled out. Losing a child is not something that is included in everyday conversation and now from experience I know it is painful to talk about. You have a long list of questions about what had happened and what could have been prevented although everyone's main question is: "Why?" That is something that most of us will never get an answer to. Granted some get test results back about what had happened but the ones like me will only be left unanswered.

If we did not conceive this month than Aunt Flo should be arriving on next Saturday which I am dreading because that is the first day of our vacation. I am supposed to be relaxing on the beach with a cold drink and my man by my side, not curled up on our hotel bed with a bottle of Midol and cramps. Regardless I will be taking an Early Response Pregnancy Test on Monday to find out if I will be expecting Aunt Flo or not. I will keep you updated as always.

We tried

According to the books I read my ovulation period is over for this month. If we don't get preggers from this month of trying than I guess we will have to wait until the next. It's crazy how many websites and books are out there about conceiving. They all have their own perspective of how this is all supposed to happen. I read on one site that if we conceived on the 16th we would have a girl and a boy on the 18th. How do they test this theory as most woman go past their due dates or have premature births? Typical doctors thinking that they know it all. I really hope that we conceived this month as the site also said if so the due date would be November 11th. Right before the holidays, how perfect would that be! But I don't want to get my hopes up. I know I've been disappointed and very hurt in the past. All I can do from here out is cross my fingers and leave it up to God.

I've started packing for our trip which is in a week and a half. I want to make sure I am not forgetting anything and if I need to go buy something I can do it now and save the stress later. My cousin and her boyfriend will be arriving in Mexico shortly after us. Don't really have any sets plans yet but I'm sure that will change soon. This winter has seemed to last so long and I cannot wait to see the sun again.

I was referred to another OB/GYN which is closer to our house. I am not pregnant yet (that I know of) but I scheduled an appointment March 25th for a meet and greet to check the office out. The lady seemed very friendly which was refreshing as the last doctors office we went to was a disaster. There is a coworker of mine who uses this office and highly referred them. So we will see.

It's Now or Never

I've been watching my calender waiting for the time to finally come so we could start "trying" again. Well according to several websites it seems that today and tomorrow will be my most fertile days to conceive. I got an at-home fertility test to take tonight to see just how accurate these websites are. If so, we will be trying like crazy for the next few days. Wish us luck!!

Found out today that some friends of ours is having a boy. Let me remind you that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. Our friends, our families and several of my coworkers. It was hard at first to even speak to any of them (out of jealousy I suppose) but now I'm healing and accepting what had become. Don't take me wrong, I'm still jealous but just not in a crazy way where I didn't even want to be in the same room as them. I'm coping yet am still sad knowing that in less than a week WE were supposed to find out the gender. ****Sigh***** I don't really know what to else to write right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Will write more another time....

It's all becoming clearer

This week has gone by pretty well. Work is getting better (my head was spinning last week), and I’m definitely looking forward to my three day weekend. Have the whole weekend off again and was planning on doing some shopping tomorrow morning for our vacay to Mexico. We are going to Playa De Carmen in Riviera Maya and will be staying for one week. I cannot wait to get away for a little while and especially to be away from the snow. I’ll be laying on the hot beach with a cold drink in hand in about 3 weeks and counting. My mom jokes that we will probably conceive while in Mexico because we will be so relaxed. Although if we don’t conceive this month, by that time I will be seeing Aunt Flo again. Bad timing but true. I can’t wait to see what is in store for me this year as I hope this year is one I never forget.

I recently bought a few things for our future little one. I know it may seem silly as I am not even pregnant again yet but it helps me cope. Seeing the baby room begin to take shape makes me feel that having a family will eventually happen and keeps me staying positive. This has been the hardest thing I have ever went through in my life so far and if this is the way I need to cope with things, then so be it. Atleast it is healthy for me, my future baby and my family. I just cant wait for the things to be used and the room to be occupied.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. I’m a big holiday person if you didn’t know that already. He has made us plans to go to a Hot Tub place to relax that evening, then to see the Movie Dear John that I’ve been dying to see, and then dinner somewhere. I’m just excited to spend time with him. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us and I couldn’t imagine it with anyone else. I can’t wait to have our perfect little family. I know things won’t be prefect and it will take a lot of work but we will do the best we possibly can. He and I both have loving and supportive parents who will root us on the whole way. Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will catch up more next week!!

Slowly but Surely

So this weekend didnt turn out to be so bad. I took the weekend off to simply relax and not have anything planned at all. Got some homework done, went to see a movie, cleaned a little and hung out with the dogs. It really is strange how things work because the instance I got comfortable and forgot about all of my recent troubles, here Aunt Flo comes out of no where. I dont know where she was hiding but it was good timing since the fact that I was supposed to call the doc today if it had not come by now. So I am feeling a little better. Actually scratch that, i'm feeling a lot better. Maybe stress really did have something to do with her lateness. Now I feel I need to relax more often. No promises, but I am working on it and that is the first step.

We are going to start "trying" again hopefully once Aunt Flo goes away. I figure maybe if we concieve in the next month or two, we will have a little baby by the end of the year after all. Things are looking up. I just hope it's only a postive experience from here on out.

As for my doc.... we are looking for someplace new to go. The Office Manager called me today and she was anything but polite. When I told her I had concerns about the bill we recieved she said "We are NOT waiving your bill!!" in a matter of fact tone. I said that is fine and that wasnt what I was asking for, I just wish you would have told us it was not covered by our insurance if it wasnt. My doc also claimed to have told us about using protection until my first cycle and apparently was offended by our pointing out that she had not. Then told the Office Manager that I "demanded" for her to give me Pregnancy Tests in her defense. WTF. This is how it REALLY went down.
Me: "Do you maybe have any sample Pregnancy Tests that I could take home?" <--- in a nice tone
Doc: "Ummm NO. We pay for them too ya know. We go to the store and they are not cheap." <--- in a nasty tone
So okay, that was the last straw. Told them Thank you but I will be using another office from here on out. I dont see how these people could be so rude and uncompassionate after the experience that we had just gone through. How unprofessional and wrong of her to say I would demand anything. That was our second doc we went to. I hope 3rd times a charm!!!

I'm at the End of the Tunnel but I cant see the Light

The best news that I got all week was this morning realizing it was Thursday and not Wednesday. This week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Still no sign of the ever so famous Aunt Flo. Now here comes all of the ADD and OCD that I have in me, I can see already anxiety is going to eat me alive. I want it to be here ASAP. Why would I want something so terrible? you might ask. I need to know on my own that everything went as planned and is going as scheduled. Also I need to know that I am not pregnant. Don't get me wrong I would love to be pregnant right now (15 weeks along to be exact) but not so soon. If we get pregnant before my first cycle the miscarriage rate goes up 50%. This was just a lovely tidbit of information our Doc failed to advise us of until just recently. This is just one reason why I have a bad taste in my mouth about this office. The other is them telling us my insurance will cover the procedure and then (SURPRISE!!!!) getting a bill in the mail for almost a thousand dollars. Apparently only a portion was covered. I called today and expressed what I thought of it all and let me tell you I was shaking afterwards. I do feel bad now, I'm really not a bad person just someone who cannot express her emotions very well. I'm good at bottling everything for so long and then having an emotional breakdown and they experienced that firsthand today.

I hope next week is better. I say that every week but yet it seems to be the same. It's almost like my life has turned into Groundhogs Day and I have nothing to look forward to. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, do homework and go to bed. I need something new to look forward to. I need something to make my life fun and exciting again. I feel like I'm falling down a deep dark hole and am so far down I cant see the light. Pleeeeeeeease let this get better.

What's the Point?

When I first started this Blog I wasn't sure what direction to go in. I wanted my close friends and a few select family members to follow us on our journey on becoming parents. Now my profile is no longer private and I am not sure whether this is a good or bad idea. I'd hate to take the criticism of others. I've read other Blogs from woman who have also had a m/c and some have truly lifted my spirits in time of need. Many of the posts end up with a happy ending and I hope mine ends the same. So I am going to continue with this for now... not sure how long, but maybe until I get my happy ending. This could take a while....
While I was growing up I dreamt about pretty much the same as most typical adolescents. I wanted to go to college after High School, meet my soulmate and be married by 24, and have my first child at 25. Well, i've been going to college part time on and off for I dont even want to know for how long, we starting dating and I was 24 and probably wont be married for a few more years, and im 25 without any children. Fairy tale endings my ass. People in storybooks dont pay bills, work or have m/c. So what is the point in making people believe in something that doesnt exist? I dont get it, and I never will. This Blog is going to get personal so I hope your as ready for the bumpy road as I am.