How the Time Flies

Wow I cant believe it has been one week since I have wrote on here. Not really sure why I haven't but I will make up for lost time. I went to see my OBGYN last Monday to figure out where we will go from here. She said her office is very aggressive and was very convinced that I WILL have a baby. Her confidence made me feel a little better. She said that when we get pregnant again she will give me a weekly shot of Progesterone just in case I do not produce enough. She also considered putting me on Clomid which is a fertility drug that the last doctor was very against. This drug would take my healthiest egg out of the bunch and in in return me carrying full term. The side effects could lead up to having twins but at this point I will take anything just to have my baby (babies) in my arms. This office was so much nicer and my doctor was so compassionate (unlike my last doctor who was- let me remind you, from Hell). She just kept reassuring that it will happen and told me we could start trying again next month. So I had high hopes for 2009 which were flushed down the toilet, 2010 has already been a bust for me, so all I can do is wait and pray that 2011 will be MY YEAR!!

I met my psychologist last Tuesday and she seems very pleasant. Not really sure if the counseling hurt or helped me. I tried my hardest not to break down but I couldn't help it. I know I'm normal, I'm grieving, just let me cry dammit. She wanted me to talk about it which was hard because it brought back all of those terrible emotions. I was able to get my life story out and her response was "It sounds like you blame yourself". I don't know if I blame myself to be honest. I hated myself for it happening, yes. I guess our future visits will be able to determine more of what is going on in my head. An important note that she kept repeating was to write out my feelings, to let everything out. I told her about my Blog on here and she asked if I could print it out so she could read it. That makes me nervous because I have shown many low points on here. The good, the bad, the dark, the light, the sad. I don't want to be judged. It is what it is. If I could change things I would in a heartbeat. There are things that I would sacrifice to have others.

All in all I am having an okay day. I had about 12 viles of blood taken from me last week for testing and should here back sometime this week or at the latest at my next appointment on April 5Th. I just need to think positive and make it through this year!

Boo Fucking Hoo

I thought by writing my feelings and inner most thoughts on here it would help me grieve better than I am able to do in real life. Maybe it hasn't helped me at all but brings back all of those terrible memories when I arrive? This is where I vent, cry, mourn, bitch, and feel sorry for myself. Aside from this blog I continue to hurt yet I can sometimes hide it behind a smile although I might be on the verge of tears. Losing not only my first but my first two children by m/c has completely taken over my life. I am no longer the person that I was and honestly don't know if I will ever be again. This is bigger than me. It has taken over and completely consumed everything that I used to be. When I am not living my everyday life I am constantly thinking about my m/c, reading blogs about others m/c, reading medical books/websites about m/c and apparently cannot shut up about m/c. I feel like I am better, although I know deep down I am still suffering. I have come to the conclusion that I will seek help from a grief psychologist as embarrassing as it is for me to admit this. I have experienced something in my life that is completely out of my control and do not know how to go through with it. Please God cut me a break. I am on the edge and need to fix this. It is killing me.

I got a smack in the face with reality yesterday when I felt like everyone who mattered the most to me was against me. Like the hurt and pain that I feel in my heart shouldn't bother me and that I need to "get over it". That hurt. I felt betrayed and pushed up against a wall. I have mentioned prior that maybe I need help with this (with medication or counseling) and no one thought that was necessary. I don't think a person who DIDN'T need it, would say they need it. Who WANTS to be put on medication? Who WANTS to seek counseling? There are many thoughts that go through my head and not out loud that if someone knew, would be dragging me to get help. I am feeling more and more dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I didn't choose to be like this. Why do people feel like I can just change? So tomorrow evening is my very first night to sit down with the Crazy Doctor and tell her all about myself. I just hope I don't make a fool of myself and start crying during my story (my damn hormones are all messed up right now because of my last m/c). I hope this helps. If it doesn't I don't know what else to do. I feel so alone.

Results are In

I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and she had confirmed that my HCG levels had gone down which means this was considered another m/c (it would be an abnormal pregnancy if they went up). It's like I didn't already know that, but hey Doc, thanks for the confirmation. She then scheduled me an appointment Monday afternoon to meet with the doctor and talk about our options from here. Now it doesn't bother me at all to wait until Monday for an appointment because we already have heard the medical crap before but you would think if someone had a m/c they would get you in right away and talk to the doctor. I mean, this is a pretty big deal! If this was my FIRST m/c and they had me wait till Monday, I'd be pist and ask to come in sooner. Who wants to stew over this all weekend and not even get the chance to see a doctor or ask questions till then? And because of that it is when we resort to the Internet for our answers. Ever since my first m/c I had become obsessed about finding out anything and everything about a m/c and it was all online. You have to take in consideration though that everyone has their own opinion and every medical practice does things differently. I only hope that they had me wait till the next available appointment because they know we have been through this before and do not do this to woman with their first m/c.

I'm honestly coping better this time, and so is he. We have really learned how to lean on one another which makes things easier. But just because I am coping better doesn't mean that I'm not devastated about what happened AGAIN. I have just accepted the fact that there was nothing I could have done. I am really looking forward to the genetic counseling though. I hope that it helps prevent this ever again in the future. But for now I just continue to be sad and envy every pregnant woman I see. After the first lost I was still hopeful, but now I feel like shit and am losing all hope. Like it or not....this is my life.

That's not what I want to Hear

I went back to the doctor this morning and they gave me another blood test. They want to check to see whether or not my HCG levels are going up. The nurse that I talked to on the phone the other day said that if they go up from Monday's appointment that it is considered an abnormal pregnancy and I will be given an ultrasound. If the HCG levels go down then I had a m/c. I don't understand why there is a label and so many different types of m/c. Do the doctors do this because they think we need a label as to what happened? I didn't "lose" my babies, they were taken from me. It is out of our hands and there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome. And then there are the people who try and comfort you. Trust me; the last thing I want to hear is "Everything happens for a Reason". OK so if that is true than what good has come of this? What is the reason? And my personal favorite is "It just wasn't meant to be". So the woman who are crack addicts that have babies down dark ally ways; that was "meant to be"? Then there is the world around you who gives you no time to mourn. Nothing stops, and you don't slow down to give the loved ones lost the proper grieving. You just keep trying to make each day better than the last. It is so frustrating. I guess I am only venting and now probably rambling.

So I'm just waiting for a call from the doctor to find out if I m/c, when we all know that I have. It is strange but for some reason this time around I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms like I had last time. I had a weird feeling but didn't want to worry too much about it and put them off as anxiety. The nurse is planning on referring us to Genetic Counseling so they can perform tests to perhaps find out why I keep m/c'ing. It will bring us some peace I believe to know what happened and I pray there is something we can do to prevent this from happening again.

Half and Half

Back from vacation and feel well rested. Had a great time in the Riviera Maya and we got to do just about everything that we wanted to. The weather was gorgous and we got lucky as it never rained as they said it was supposed to. The all-inclusive resort was great and from here on I couldnt imagine doing anything but. We went on a few excursions which included an ATV trip through the jungle, zip-lines, canote and Tulum Ruins. The last day or so we were there we got a chance to go parasailing. It was a great time and provided much relaxation which was much needed.

So vacation was good but coming home was a disaster. Our flight was delayed two and a half hours, then when we got into Detroit the truck was dead. Even after all of that it seemed like nothing else could go wrong.

I found out over a week ago that I was pregnant again. We didnt want to get too excited about it until we heard the heartbeat this time so we didnt tell anyone. Good thing because I started bleeding on Sunday. I wasnt too worried at first but then on Monday it got very heavy. I went to the doctor that morning to get checked on because I was worried I was having another m/c. They took a blood test and sent me on my way saying they would call me back with the results. I waited until 3pm and called them to see if the results were in and the nurse had told me my HCG was as low as a 79. At 5 weeks along she said they should be over a 1000. Here we go again......

She said that it was confirmed that I was pregnant but with the bleeding and low HCG level it was more than likely that I will miscarry again. So now I am devastated. I have been pregnant two times and both had ended in m/c. The first was at 9 weeks and the second at 5. Is it getting worse? I feel like i'm not progressing at all and that i'm only going backwards. I am so depressed and all I want to do right now is sleep and cry. Why cant two young and healthy people have a child when there are people out there unfit to be parents and they have healthy babies? We would be great parents and I dont know why God is punishing us or whatever he is doing. We dont need time, we are ready. I am miserable and bitter right now. I just want my baby and dont care about anything else. When will things get better? I thought this year was supposed to be better?

Spring Break at 25

We are heading on vacation in a few days and trust me I've never needed it more. I have been so stresses lately but it seems to be getting better the closer our vacation gets to actually being here. Work has been insanely busy and there are times my head literally spins. I'm cutting back on caffeine too which doesn't help. It's fine though because next week I will be sitting on the beach in the warm sun.

I know that no one actually reads my Blog, well except for him and he knows already, so I will tell you what happened last night. Had some really bad stomach pains the last few days which I mislead as cramps. I was just curious and had one EPT test left so I took it last night after dinner. I made sure he checked it because I hate being disappointed all by myself. Well to our surprise it had two pink lines. One was kind of faint so we will take another in a few days to make sure. I'm not going to get too excited about it just yet until we are for sure pregnant. If we are, no drinks for me in Mexico which I am completely fine with because I know what means more to me. If I am not pregnant then beginning Saturday morning: Let the Party Begin!!

I will keep you updated as always.