Boo Fucking Hoo

I thought by writing my feelings and inner most thoughts on here it would help me grieve better than I am able to do in real life. Maybe it hasn't helped me at all but brings back all of those terrible memories when I arrive? This is where I vent, cry, mourn, bitch, and feel sorry for myself. Aside from this blog I continue to hurt yet I can sometimes hide it behind a smile although I might be on the verge of tears. Losing not only my first but my first two children by m/c has completely taken over my life. I am no longer the person that I was and honestly don't know if I will ever be again. This is bigger than me. It has taken over and completely consumed everything that I used to be. When I am not living my everyday life I am constantly thinking about my m/c, reading blogs about others m/c, reading medical books/websites about m/c and apparently cannot shut up about m/c. I feel like I am better, although I know deep down I am still suffering. I have come to the conclusion that I will seek help from a grief psychologist as embarrassing as it is for me to admit this. I have experienced something in my life that is completely out of my control and do not know how to go through with it. Please God cut me a break. I am on the edge and need to fix this. It is killing me.

I got a smack in the face with reality yesterday when I felt like everyone who mattered the most to me was against me. Like the hurt and pain that I feel in my heart shouldn't bother me and that I need to "get over it". That hurt. I felt betrayed and pushed up against a wall. I have mentioned prior that maybe I need help with this (with medication or counseling) and no one thought that was necessary. I don't think a person who DIDN'T need it, would say they need it. Who WANTS to be put on medication? Who WANTS to seek counseling? There are many thoughts that go through my head and not out loud that if someone knew, would be dragging me to get help. I am feeling more and more dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I didn't choose to be like this. Why do people feel like I can just change? So tomorrow evening is my very first night to sit down with the Crazy Doctor and tell her all about myself. I just hope I don't make a fool of myself and start crying during my story (my damn hormones are all messed up right now because of my last m/c). I hope this helps. If it doesn't I don't know what else to do. I feel so alone.