How the Time Flies

Wow I cant believe it has been one week since I have wrote on here. Not really sure why I haven't but I will make up for lost time. I went to see my OBGYN last Monday to figure out where we will go from here. She said her office is very aggressive and was very convinced that I WILL have a baby. Her confidence made me feel a little better. She said that when we get pregnant again she will give me a weekly shot of Progesterone just in case I do not produce enough. She also considered putting me on Clomid which is a fertility drug that the last doctor was very against. This drug would take my healthiest egg out of the bunch and in in return me carrying full term. The side effects could lead up to having twins but at this point I will take anything just to have my baby (babies) in my arms. This office was so much nicer and my doctor was so compassionate (unlike my last doctor who was- let me remind you, from Hell). She just kept reassuring that it will happen and told me we could start trying again next month. So I had high hopes for 2009 which were flushed down the toilet, 2010 has already been a bust for me, so all I can do is wait and pray that 2011 will be MY YEAR!!

I met my psychologist last Tuesday and she seems very pleasant. Not really sure if the counseling hurt or helped me. I tried my hardest not to break down but I couldn't help it. I know I'm normal, I'm grieving, just let me cry dammit. She wanted me to talk about it which was hard because it brought back all of those terrible emotions. I was able to get my life story out and her response was "It sounds like you blame yourself". I don't know if I blame myself to be honest. I hated myself for it happening, yes. I guess our future visits will be able to determine more of what is going on in my head. An important note that she kept repeating was to write out my feelings, to let everything out. I told her about my Blog on here and she asked if I could print it out so she could read it. That makes me nervous because I have shown many low points on here. The good, the bad, the dark, the light, the sad. I don't want to be judged. It is what it is. If I could change things I would in a heartbeat. There are things that I would sacrifice to have others.

All in all I am having an okay day. I had about 12 viles of blood taken from me last week for testing and should here back sometime this week or at the latest at my next appointment on April 5Th. I just need to think positive and make it through this year!