Slowly Losing it or Quickly Gaining It?

I am not sure what is causing this but I have had the WORST mood swings lately. Sunday you midas well should have kept as far away from me as possible to avoid me biting your head off. I tried to keep to myself that day and was really quiet but then of course he notices and asks "Are you mad about something?". I really wish I had a reason to be grumpy but I didn't. I had no reason at all and I didn't even have a clue to why I was so irritated. Maybe it is all of the medication that I am on. It may have caused my hormones to go crazy. I have noticed since I started my prescription of Progesterone that I have been more irritable than usual. Could that really be it? Im hoping, wishing and praying that it is all going to be worth it.

Today I think I am 5DPO. I'm not sure because I got a positive on my OPK last week but then this weekend I had a little pain in my ovaries which could have been ovulation pain. I guess I will just wait and see if AF shows her ugly face or not. I am really debating on taking a HPT at all. It crushes me when I take one and get a BFN. I'd rather just be disappointed when AF comes then seeing a little stick tell me I'm a failure. Not sure if I will be able to log on this weekend considering all of the activities that will be going on. I hope you have a great weekend and I will catch up with you later. Hopefully with good news.

"Dear God, I don't know what I am doing wrong but I cant get a BFP for the life of me. We have never had an issue conceiving before, I don't know why it is so hard now. Maybe it is because I want it so very bad. Please take care of the babies coming into our lives in the next few months. Let them be healthy and happy lil babies. I know the mommies will make great mothers. I hope I can join the club sometime. Amen"

Here We Are Again

So we are back in the waiting game as I am currently 2 DPO. We really didn't BD as much as I wanted to this month but that is becoming more and more of a problem. I don't understand why his sex drive is so low sometimes. I feel like I'm always the initiator. Should I be worried? I guess we were planning on not really "trying" this month anyways and were just going to go with the flow. I did take my prescription of Clomid during AF and am now taking Estrogen to thicken my uterus lining. I just hope this is our month as I am getting sick of saying that yet month after month. Can you sense that I'm a little feisty today?

On the home front everything is good. Don't really have any complaints. We have found a beautiful piece of property that we are looking into financing for. It is a little over 20 acres about 25 minutes away in Vicksburg, Michigan. It would definitely be a place to develop on one day. I would like to get going on buying this property because then maybe that will give me something to get my mind off of ttc. I never in my life thought it would be like this. There are some woman who ttc for years and years and I'm sitting here complaining about getting 2 BFN's. I guess I'm getting used to feeling sorry for myself.

Last weekend was great. I had a few girlfriends come visit from up North and he had a few friends visit as well and we all hit it off and had an awesome weekend. His brother's wedding is next weekend. I am excited and it should be a fun time. Me and him are in the wedding so I have a feeling it will be very busy and the weekend is going to fly by. Thank goodness it's Memorial Weekend and I have a 4 day weekend. I will definitely need one full day to re cooperate.

So the wait is on, and we are here again. I've decided to take a HPT on Memorial Day as it would be a fun surprise to me and him if it was a BFP. I'm just ready to be myself again and to stop being so down. I am very hard on myself and by failing in the fertility department it's hardly forgivable. I guess all I can do is be patient because God has a plan for me. AF is due on the second and if that is what's in store for me then bring it on!

Dear God, firstly I want to pray for all the angel babies that You have created. I hope they are having the best life possible that the earth could not give them. I want to thank You for giving my love to me as he has made me so very happy and yet continues to. I thank You for my health and wisdom as well. You decided that Becky's beautiful angel wasnt meant for earth and she is now heartbroken. Please help her during this very painful time and I hope she becomes closer to You.

Does Doctor Know Best?

Today I had a follow up appointment with my OB. She wants me to come in regularly since being prescribed Clomid to see if we need to take a bigger approach or not. Have I ever told you how much I LOVE my new doctor? She is very aggressive and persistant about me having a baby in my arms soon. The pregnancy thing we have down, now its the carrying to term we are working on. She asked how things were going and if I wanted to continue with the Clomid. I told her that is fine but we need to fix the issue about the "dryness". So then she wrote me a prescription for Estradiol which is supposed to stimulate my estrogen and prevent dryness. She also prescribed me Prochieve which is a suppository to induce Progesterone. So now let me think about everything that I am currently talking:

Baby Aspirin- to clear blood clots if this is an issue
Prenatal Vitamins- to get my body healthy and "baby ready"
Clomid- to regulate Ovulation and releases the healthiest eggs
Estradiol- basically is Estrogen in a pill. This will help with dryness "down there"
Prochieve- Progesterone

Really? I always thought to get pregnant all you had to do was have unprotected sex one time. Boy was I ever wrong. Yes, this happens to some people, but then there are people like me who have to "try". I just don't understand life sometimes. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to just give up. But as much as I want to give up, more of me wants a healthy baby in my arms. I have decided to join a support group with other woman who have had losses. The first meeting is next Wednesday and I am kind of excited to meet others like me. For once I wont have to feel ashamed talking about it and can be completely open and honest. I hope there are woman there with success stories to life my spirits. I really need some encouragement to proceed and to not be felt sorry for. I just need to air my dirty laundry.

Dear God, I want to start by thanking you for giving Kristi her little miracle; but why did you then decide to take it away? It was her fourth pregnancy and she has yet to carry to term. Now this is her fourth miscarriage. I want to pray for her in hopes that she will be able to recover from this emotionally to begin trying again. I know You have a plan for us all but why does it have to include so much pain and misery? I really need to be closer to You right now, but it's hard because I feel You can cause me so much pain. I hope that us "infertile" can find our way out of this long dark tunnel because once we feel rescued, we are only lost again. Just please show us the light. I do want to thank you for giving Becky her BFP this month. She will be a great mother again. Give my angel babies kisses for me and tell them I love them and will never forget them. Amen

I Hope So

I saw this on another womans blog and I hope it is true.

"Every day that passes is closer to that day when you will have a baby and when what you are experiencing right now will be just a bad memory."

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/recurrentmiscarriages/a/recurrentmisc.htm

Try Again

I ended up taking a HPT with a friend this week. I had a feeling that I would get a BFN but I decided to test anyways. She got a very faint line (positive) and I got absolutely nothing (BFN). I felt like crap that my body has again failed me. We actually "tried" this month and I didn't fall pregnant. Yet the months that we don't try, we fall pregnant. So because of that we have decided not to "try" anymore. It is stressful and it has taken away much of the romance. I'm fine with the decision for now. If we don't get pregnant again for a few months then I will definitely want to be more proactive.

Sad to report that AF came Friday but on a positive note she came a day early. I guess that's the consolation prize that I win if you call that a prize at all. I've decided that the only thing that will continue this month will be my prescription of Clomid. I have a OB appointment on Tuesday and I will talk to her to see what she suggests. I don't mind being on the fertility drug although I think it may be hurting me more than helping me. Sorry if TMI but a side affect that I have gotten was I am as dry as the Sahara "down there" lately. That cant be good for his spermies. If only I could see into the future or someone could tell me what I should be doing to be successful at fertility. I've officially become a pregnancy flunky. Here's to another month. We wont be trying but we also wont be preventing. Fingers and toes are crossed. Please let this be our month.

Dear God, Thank You for your presence in my life. I see the miracles that You perform everyday. I know I don't give You the credit you deserve and sometimes can be selfish. Lately I have been asking for favors and for help. I just want You to know how thankful I am for you giving Your life for us. My faith in you has never left, I had only misplaced it for a bit. Thank you for being patient with me. Amen

9 DPO

Well I made it to 9 DPO.... I don't know how I did it without ripping my hair out but I'm here. Trying to conceive has not been a fun task in my life. After my first m/c people would say "Just think of how much fun you will have 'trying'". I wish I could go back and tell them IT HAS NOT BEEN FUN. My second m/c came and gone and now we are back in the group of trying all over again. Does this ever get easier? I'm not sure. I have my days when I am so grateful for being blessed with everything in my life, but I also have the bad days when I feel like I'm the unluckiest person in the world. God must really have a great sense of humor.

I have met a few woman on a medical site who I have grown very close to. We are all in the process of TTC after loss and we can share our experiences with each other. One lady in particular is on the same cycle as me. She is a true Godsend and she has supported me through this whole waiting process. We have agreed to be cycle buddies and will be taking a HPT tomorrow morning together. She will be the first person to know the result besides my love. I will be so very excited for both of us if we get our BFP as we can track our pregnancy together online. I have never been so nervous though about testing. I am feeling very down today and don't think I will get my BFP and she will. I will still be very happy for her if she does, but I will be upset that my body has failed me once again. Cant something just go right for once?

Next weekend we are taking a mini-vacay to Detroit with some friends to see a few Tigers games. I'm pretty excited to get away and it will take my mind off of TTC. Plus I love spending time with him outside of the house. We will close on that thought.

Dear God, I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning but I hope I find out soon. All I know is the power that you have is amazing and I know that you can help us with this one little wish. I want to make him happy, our families happy, and to make You happy. I know I can do that when I prove to you how I was made to be a mother. Just give me the chance and I will show you. I will be forever in your debt. I also pray for my friend Becky who has also been burned with infertility. She is so deserving to be a mother to another beautiful baby. Please protect her and her family. Amen.