Baby Shower and 3D ultrasound!

Last weekend was my baby shower and 3D ultrasound which I have been excited about for a while now. I had an absolute great time at my shower and got so many gifts for the girls. I definitely feel more prepared now for their arrival. There were a few girls there that I havent seen in a few years which was awesome to get everyone together again. We played a few baby games like the ribbon around the belly, baby bingo, and pin in the rice. Everyone seemed to enjoy the games and liked the prizes that I had picked out. I cant speak for everyone but I think it was a pretty successful party.

We also had our 3D ultrasound the same weekend. It really is amazing the technology that we have these days. The girls were very active during the scan and we got some really nice pictures. DF and his parents came with us to the appt and it was a really cool experience that we shared together. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who is in their second or third trimester. The girls were 1.10 lb and 2.02 lb and the heartbeats were right around 150 each. They look great so far! I am so happy and grateful that everything is going so great. I hope that I continue to stay lucky on the rest of this journey.

What??!!

Well, my appt yesterday went great. After not feeling the girls for 24 hours I was a nervous wreck beforehand. Little ones started moving around after I left - FINALLY! The heartbeats were 146 and 150 which were right on track. I told the doc that I havent really felt the girls in the last 24 hours and he said if that happens again to call them and schedule to come in to make sure everything is okay. But thankfully this was a false alarm because the girls are looking great. Cervix is 3.9 (4.0 is perfect he said) so these little ones have a while to go till they are ready to come out. He gave me a paper that explained at 28 weeks I have to start counting kicks and make sure that they are kicking atleast 10 times a day. It's going to be hard because sometimes I cant tell who is who!

Then he says that I am gaining too much weight.... i've gained 26 pounds so far. What do you mean im gaining too much weight - im having twins! He says that I dont want to reach 50 pds + but thats what he told me to gain in the beginning! And THEN he told me I might be able to go to 38 weeks when we originally discussed having a scheduled c-section at 36 weeks. ???? WHAT??!! I have had absolutely NO anxiety about having them because I figure a c-section will be easy. But now I have to think about waiting around for my water to break and what happens if one is breach! Oh my, this is just too much to think about. It seems like everything about delivery is different than we spoke last time and i'm starting to think he doesnt know his @ss from his elbow. To top it off he says he wants to change my due date to February 11th instead of the 9th. Ummm really.....2 days? Does it really matter? Maybe it's the hormones that are making me crazy but I was so confused after my appt. Atleast the girls are looking great. That's all I guess that matters.

Happy But Sad

Today I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Firstly, we had our 24 week appt and everything went great. The girls are getting so big and their mom is getting even bigger. They each weigh around a pound and a half and are growing rapidly right now. The last appt the babies were laying on top of one another like bunk beds but today one was breached and the other was lying vertical. So they are L shaped in my tummy :)

Sad to hear the news from a great friend of mine. She had her 5th miscarriage last week and just told me today. I am so sad for her. Especially since I am having twins and I feel bad contacting her because I dont want her to get upset. The last thing I want is for her to be hurt. She is my age, 25, and we have known each other since grade school. I cant imagine what is going through her mind right now. I have a slight idea because of my experiences with infertility but to lose 5 pregnancies I am speachless. She said her RE has told them they will need IVF if they ever plan to have children - which they dont have the thousands of dollars to do. I really really hope that they get a little miracle and are able to conceive on their own and can carry their peanut/peanuts to term. Please God if there is anything you can do for them, they are amazing people who deserve nothing but the best

It's Never Easy

I haven't had that much difficulties but have been worried sick the entire pregnancy so far. Got pregnant back in November and baby stopped developing at 9 weeks - had a D&C to remove remains. Got pregnant once again in February/March and unfortunately had another miscarriage - passed everything naturally. This pregnancy was very hard to accept because of our prior losses. You never want to forget the babies you lost nor ever replace them. Went in at 5 weeks to get HCG levels checked and they were very high so nurse thought it could be ectopic. Tried to be optomistic but it was hard. Fortunately, next HCG was raising appropriately but was still high, now they say it could be multiples. 7 week ultrasound they confirmed two sacs and two babies. We were estatic that we were having twins. The u/s tech said that one was about a week behind and they will monitor us closely to make sure he/she catches up with the other. Week 16 had major cramping and pressure pains - was advised to go to Labor and Delivery (was scared outta our minds) and turns out it was a false alarm. 18 week u/s doctor tells us that smaller baby is still about 4 days behind and it may be chromosomal abnormities. We opt out of testing but she insists that we get tested for Trisomy 21 (downs). So we do the testing and have to wait about a week for the results which is like torture - we didnt want to know but now that we did the testing we were worried. Tested negative for trisomy 21 thank goodness. 23 weeks along strong cramping comes back along with some major back pain. Doctor insists I go to the Emergency room to be checked out. Cramps went away so we opted out and everything is okay. We were already worried sick this entire pregnancy because of our history and just the little things that we've been through so far makes me believe that this will be our one and only pregnancy. I dont think I can do this all again physically, mentally and emotionally. I just cant wait until we have our healthy babies in our arms - but yet I doubt the worry for our children will ever go away.

Dear God, thank You for giving me such a beatiful life and filling it with such beautiful people. I am so very excited to meet our two little girls and couldn't be any happier. I love everything in my life and wouldn't change anything if I could. Thank You, You are amazing for giving this all to me. Amen

And we are having.........

two girls!!! We are both super excited. At first he had a terrified look on his face when they said the first was a girl but then when they said the second was a girl he couldnt stop smiling. It was the cutest thing ever!! I think he is going to be completely fine with having more girls around and I know that they will be little daddy girls. His parents were so thrilled to find out we are having their first grandaughters. His mom and aunt cried when we told them because the entire side of the family is boys!! It is so nice to finally know now what we are having. Now it finally feels real to me. It almost makes me want to cry thinking about how far we have come and everything that has happened in the past. It's so bittersweet. I had no idea what we were having at all and am still in shock. It's funny because a couple of weeks ago I bought some girl clothes that were ADORABLE and said if we have two boys than I can just keep the reciept and return them. Well now I dont need to!

One baby is still about a week behind the other which is now all of a sudden worrying the doctors. The High Risk doctor that I went to today pretty much made me take a Trisomy test to determine if either baby had Downs or not. It makes me sad that there might be something wrong with one of our miricles but regardless of the results we will love them the same. I still get worried about them to this day and honestly dont think that the worry will ever go away.

Gender ultrasound scheduled!!

I just scheduled our ultrasound where we will get to find out our babies gender. We will find out September 8th at 18 weeks along. I am so very excited!! I cant wait to start buying pink and blues and greens and purples. DF is still very worried about having 2 girls but I think it would be fine. He could still take them fishing and teach them how to play sports. I'm sure they would be the apple of his eye. Most people are thinking that we are having one of each. I think that would be perfect because we will have a little princess and a little prince. Then maybe we wont have an excuse to have any more after this. I'm not sure if I want more after all we have been through. I think I will be grateful for what we have been given and put it to a rest for now.

We have become aunts and uncles once again. DF's brothers wife gave birth to their son last Thursday on August 19th. He is up North now visiting but I had to stay behind to work. We will be up in September for a wedding so I will just visit him them. I cant believe how many people I know that are pregnant or have just had babies. No wonder why they say over 3 million babies are born a year. I just cant wait to meet ours!!

Just a few updates....

Well I still cant believe that I have made it this far, and especially with two little peanuts!! I am over the moon happy and am so excited to meet my little ones. I'm not sure if I mentioned to anyone on here yet but at my 12 week appt the doctor told me that I will have a scheduled c-section when the babies are 36 weeks gestation if I don't go into labor by then. My doc said that he has never delivered twins naturally because of all the complications that could arise and more than likely they wouldn't both the head down when I go into labor. I wont lie, I was pretty bummed when I found out I couldn't give birth to them naturally but if this is better for their safety than I'm okay with the c-section! Plus, it will be scheduled so we can have our out-of-town family come in for a few days to visit and see the little ones. So with my full term date moved up to 36 weeks this makes my Due date January 9th 2011. It's crazy to think that we are almost half way there!! I just want these little ones to stay in my belly for as long as they need as in there is the healthiest place for them. I am praying that everything goes smooth from here on out and we don't face anymore bumps in the road. I cant wait to be a mommy!!!

Spilling the Beans

Well we ended up telling our family this last weekend!! Everyone seems very excited. Especially my nieces and nephews that they will have little cousins to play with. My nephew is 4 and he says he wants to change their diapers!! HAHA Too cute!! My parents weren't too shocked that I was preggers and said they had an idea but they were completely shocked to hear about the twins. My mom is already planning me a baby shower at the end of the year. I told her not to get ahead of herself as we are taking this day by day and we can talk again about baby showers in a few months. DF's parents also had an idea that we were expecting because when we went to an open bar wedding a few weeks ago I drank straight orange juice. It feels so much more real now that we have told everyone. It's made me excited all over again!!!

I also shared the news with my co-workers which made me more nervous then telling my family. I sent out an email and within seconds people were at my desk congratulating me. Everyone was pretty shocked about the twins and we all sat around discussing it for about an hour. It's funny, now that everyone knows I constantly have people glancing at my belly. It's kind of making me self conscious because I don't feel like I am even showing yet. There were a few people that said "I wouldn't of even known you were pregnant!" So they must think that my belly should be huge by now which it isn't. Again, I'm back to feeling unsure and am hoping and praying that everything is okay in there. I have been crampy on and off lately and I just assumed it was from the growing an stretching inside there. But who knows, we will find out at our appointment Tuesday how things are going. I really hope that we continue to get good news.

Dear God, thank You for the gifts You have given me. I feel so blessed for the things in my life. I know I couldn't have done all of this without You. Please stay by my side and help me make it through the rest of my 5 months and keep my little ones safe. Amen.

Safe but Unsure

So yesterday we had our 12 week appointment with the doctor. It was our first time meeting the doctor and he was very nice. We did a Pap and they checked my blood pressure. He said everything looked normal and that the babies are doing great so far. I asked if I would get an u/s and he said that we could because it had been two weeks since the last one. He said I would be full term at 36 weeks and my new due date is January 9th. I am also a candidate for pre-term labor so they want to monitor me very closely. Other than that, everything was positive news. The u/s was very brief and she just measured my cervix and said we were done. I asked if she could take measurements and let us listen to the heartbeat which she didn't seem thrilled about but did it anyways. The heartbeats looked great, they were both in the 165 range. The measurements were 5.9 cm and 5.1 cm. I just cannot believe how fast these little guys/girls are growing. When you see the pics you will probably be shocked just like I was!

When I got pregnant we decided that we will keep our pregnancy a secret at least until the 12 week point. Now that we are here he is feeling a little unsure about telling people just yet. I'm ready to share the news with the world (FINALLY) and he is wanting to now wait a few more weeks. I understand that he is scared that something might happen but he needs to be able to take a chance and trust in God that things will be okay. The doctor even told us that we are out of the m/c window and the chance of something happening at this point is very slim. With my track record, that was reassuring of him to tell us that. So do I wait until after my next u/s at 14 weeks to tell people like he wants or do I say screw it and tell everyone on my own? I'm so unsure right now. I have no idea what I should do. It just makes me sad that he doesn't want to share this news with our friends and family yet. I swear if it's not one thing it's another.....

A Little Backstory and Updates

We have always wanted to have our kids younger than older. Although the bumps in the road so far haven't helped very much. He will be 30 this October and I will be 26 in December. I feel like this is a great time in our lives though because we are stable, have careers, savings, house, land, and feel that having children is the next step. I am also feeling very secure about this pregnancy. It seems almost odd to feel this secure given my track record but I feel that everything is moving along so smoothly. My first m/c we found out at 11 weeks along on December 30th 2009. I had no m/c symptoms at all. I was still nauseous, tired and frequently urinating. We went in to hear the heartbeat for the first time at 11 weeks but they told us there was none and that the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks along. I honestly don't remember much after that. I kind of blanked out and wasn't able to process what was going on. Then the crying started and didn't end for a very long time. I had a choice to get some meds and pass it naturally or to get a D&C but I chose the D&C because I wanted it over and done with. I was so tore up inside knowing that my baby was dead inside me. We didn't start trying again right away and didn't even start having sex again for over a month. I was so depressed and down. Then in March we found out we were expecting again but that time I knew something was wrong. I felt completely different than the first pregnancy from day 1. Then at 5-6 weeks pregnant I started bleeding lightly and then heavily like a period. I knew I m/c at that point. Even though everything I have went through I am still very optimistic that things will work out in the long run. I am so much more grateful for what God has given me and couldn't be happier right now.

We decided not to tell our family this weekend. Eric's sis-in-law is due in August so we were thinking that maybe we could share our secret then. Or whenever they notice my growing belly. We do want to tell them but I think Eric is more scared because he was the one who had to go back and re-tell people the first time about our m/c. I was in no state to talk to anyone at that time. The second one only a select few people know about.

Although it hasn't been much fun I have experienced morning sickness like I never have before. I have gotten sick a number of times which doesn't usually happen even when I'm sick. But I hear its a good sign that things are healthy with the baby! I might feel like crap sometimes but it will all be worth it in the end. I just cant wait to meet my little ones because it will be the happiest day of my life :) I am now 11 weeks along and am loving every day of being a mommy. Even though I haven't gotten to meet them yet.

Dear God, I cannot thank You enough. You have truly blessed myself and my family to give us such a miracle. I don't think You could have done a better job at making my life wonderful. You are amazing. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Amen

Week 9 and 10..... wow time really flies

Ok so I haven't been on in a while so I figured I would updated on the latest and greatest. We didn't get an 8 week u/s which was literally driving me nuts and just about had a panic attack before my 9 week u/s. All the worry and stress was unnecessary because everything looked great and the babies were right on track. The smaller one even caught up to the bigger one! Now both of the heartbeats are up to 171 bpm. There is still a little difference in the size of them both but I am thinking that's because its a boy and a girl. Hey a girl can dream cant she! The u/s was done at the High Risk facility and they said that nothing looked out of the ordinary. That's great news!! I feel like a million bucks right now and love every minute/second and day of being pregnant. This is why I think God put me on this planet was to be a mother. I really don't excel at any one thing and I think that hopefully parenting will be my talent.

Don't get me wrong I am super duper excited about having the twins. Who can complain about a 2 for 1 special hehe. And maybe since it happened this way we can have 3 children like I have always wanted. DF has been persistent about only having 2 kids, end of story. A few weeks ago I had bad anxiety about the twins though. Thoughts kept running through my mind like:
"Can we afford daycare for TWO infants?"
"Is it even worth me working?"
"How do I take care of two babies at once?"
"Is DF going to help with childcare?"
We have sat down and talked about this and decided that we cannot take this for anymore than a blessing. This is what we wanted; to be parents. We were double blessed and I don't think God would put us in a situation that we couldn't handle. I am so excited to tell my friends and family the great news but we definitely want to wait until after the 1st trimester. I cant believe in 2 weeks I will already be 3 months pregnant! Wow does time fly. I am hoping to only hear good news from here on out but am cautiously keeping my guard up. Only God knows my children's fate as well as my own. I am just so very excited and cannot wait to meet my little beans in about 5 months.

Dear God, the miracle that You have given me is never forgotten. You make up a huge part of my life and one day will also be a part of my children's. Please watch over them as they grow and continue to be on this Earth. I also want to pray for the other woman who I am close to that are ttc. The ttc process is not fun and I know it's easy to lose hope quickly. Please help my friends who have just recently gotten pregnant and also watch over their little beans. I am excited to share this pregnancy journey with each and every one of them. Thank You so much for the wonderful things in my life. Amen

7 week ultrasound of the Twins

Well today I had a bit of anxiety about going in for ultrasound. All kinds of thoughts were running through my head such as Do we still have two babies in there?, Are we going to recieve bad news today? and ect.
Low and behold everything went great and they are both measuring right on target. By measurements Baby A is 7w4d old with a heartbeat of 145, and Baby B is 6w6d old with a 125 heartbeat. I am so happy that the lil guys/girls are doing well! I LOVE to see the heartbeats and thats always my favorite part of the u/s. My official due date is Feb 8 and the 12th but she thinks I more than likely will have them towards the end of January. That's all of the news that I recieved today besides that I already gained 2 pounds in 1 week. Wow i'm gonna be the size of a whale but I know it will all be worth it.

Doc wants to contact a High Risk facility and find out of we should be concerned at all about one baby being a week behind (but is still growing each week). They said it is nothing to worry about but this is very rare and they want to make sure they are taking appropriate care of me. Did I ever mention how much I love this new office I am going to? Anyways, they want to see if they should be good monitoring me less or if we should keep the weekly appointments. I am kind of liking the weekly appointments but its kind of taking time away from my job and im thinking it wont be much longer until people start to catch on. Thanks so much for all of the prayers as we are all doing good so far. I'm not out of the woods yet but I am feeling very positive about this one.

Dear God, your amazing power has given us this double blessing and I cannot thank you enough. The journey that we have been on has been long and painful but I know in the end it will be for a purpose. I thank you for everything in my life and for the amazing family and friends that I have. I want to pray for every person that I care about and also the woman who are currently ttc. They need some positive in their lives because many are feeling very down lately. If you could help them out it would be much appreciated. Thank you for all that you do. Amen.

6 week ultrasound and a surprise

So this afternoon I went in for my second u/s and was told I would see the babies heartbeat. Well much to my surprise I actually saw and heard TWO!! I was thinking a week ago I might be pregnant with twins because of my high HCG levels and I thought I saw two sacs last time I had a u/s. Well they confirmed today that indeed I am! They each have there own sacs and are fraternal twins. One baby was conceived a week after I conceived the first. So baby #1 is 6 weeks along and baby #2 is 5 weeks. It was so amazing to see and hear their heartbeats and I love my beans so much already. I hope and pray that these guys stay strong as they would make me the happiest woman in the world. DF is in shock still but is super excited. We are sticking to our plans and not telling family/friends until after the first trimester. This is going to make it so much harder!!! Please babies stick as I would love to meet you in February. I love you both so much already.

Dear God, wow what a double blessing that You have given us. I cannot thank You enough for what You have done for our growing family. You are amazing as is the work that you do. I want to pray for the people in my life that I love so dearly. Please keep them safe and happy. My friends and my family are my life. I also want to pray for the other wonderful woman who are trying to conceive. I know the journey can be so hopeless and depressing but these woman continue to keep their faith which is admirable. Thank you again for everything you do. Amen.

245 days to go

I went to my first ultrasound Thursday and everything looked good and was right on track. I was a little concerned though because when she was looking around there were 2 sacs that I saw at some angles. I asked her what the second one was (twins?) and she said that it may just be some blood and if I start spotting in the next few days to not worry about it. I thought it was weird because she didn't even mention the second "sac" until I brought it up. I almost asked if I could get a picture of it but I don't want to be that crazy lady that demands stuff and doesn't trust her opinion. I'm not sure but I think she is the only u/s tech at my office. I honestly hope there are others and I can get someone different next week that knows more about what they are doing. Sorry I know that's kind of rude, but when I asked what the second blob was she said "Hmmm....I don't know". That just worries me a little bit. But they confirmed that everything was right on schedule so I really have no right to complain. The well being of my baby is priority number 1.

Of course we have talked baby names in the prior pregnancies. If we have a boy we want to name him Brayden Michael Vesey. I think it is soooo cute and he loves it too. We really haven't talked much about girl names yet. But we have lots of time to figure that out in that case. I did tell my boss that I was preggers. I pretty much had to because I now have weekly appointments and I just didn't want her thinking I was some slacker or something. She was really excited for me and promised to keep it under wraps. I hope I can trust her! Well everything is going good so far. I hope it continues to stay like this.

Dear God, I can not thank you enough for the blessing that you gave me. Please help this little bean stay strong so his/her mommy can hold them in her arms in 9 months. You have taught me many lessons and the latest has been patience. I have been so patient and couldn't be happier that I am again pregnant. I want to shout it from the rooftops but we have decided not to tell anyone this time to protect ourselves. Please help protect us from getting hurt again. Tell my angel babies that I love and miss them dearly. Amen

Nervous excitement

Well today marks me at 4w4d along. I had a few more Beta tests done since my last post and I wanted to post them. The nurse said my numbers look great right now!

Friday 06/04: HCG 1052
Monday 06/07: HCG 4273

I cannot believe how smoothly everything is going so far. But I am not naive enough to think that something could not go wrong at the drop of a dime. But I have to stay positive because that is what I owe my baby. They at least deserve a chance. I go in to the OB on Thursday for my 5 week ultrasound. I will be going in sooner and more frequent because I am a High Risk pregnancy due to my 2 m/c's. I am relieved at the frequent visits because it will keep me from losing my mind in between visits. I am pretty excited about the ultrasound and DF will be going with me. I have heard because it is so soon I may not see alot except for a gestational sac and a fetal pole. I'm hoping that I get lucky and get to see my little bean swimming around in there. And maybe even see a heartbeat! I will let you know how it goes. Keep me in your prayers.

Dear God, I cannot thank you enough for what you have given me. There were many times that I was selfish and only wanted but never gave. Those days are over and I put you first before everything in my life. You have given me my dear angel babies and I have been lucky enough to get pregnant again and fairly easy. Please if you could just keep an eye on my little bean swimming around in there I would love to meet them in 8 months. I love him/her so much already. Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful family and friends. Without their support I wouldn't be the strong woman that I am today. Please look after them as well. Amen

So far so Good!!

Just wanted to keep you updated as I promised :)

Called the OB today and they said my Beta HCG levels look great. My HCG is already at 474!! I couldnt be happier. I also uploaded a pic of the HPT I took Tuesday. At first I didnt believe my eyes but sure enough it was a BFP! I cant wait until my first u/s. So far so good. Let's hope my numbers keep doubling.

Dear God, I cannot thank You enough for what you have given me. This miracle was truly a Godsend and I dont know how to properly thank You. I am much closer to you now and I hope that helps with this 8 months long journey. I am forever grateful. Amen

A drumroll please.....

What a fun weekend we had up North at the lake. The weather seriously couldn't have been better and the wedding was just beautiful. It was very relaxing. After such a wonderful trip I received some good news....I'm pregnant again!!

We got home on Monday and I went back to work Tuesday. I felt "off" and knew something was up that morning. He was joking around saying that maybe I was pregnant. I honestly thought there was no way since I didn't feel pregnant and we didn't try that hard this month. So on my lunch break I broke down and bought a HPT and to my surprise I got my BFP!! I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me and couldn't even believe that there were two pink lines on the stick. I am over the moon happy. I truly think that this one is my "sticky bean". I really do hope so as it would make me so very happy. We have decided not to tell anyone this time around and want to hear the baby's heartbeat first. Better be safe than sorry because if anyone knows - anything could happen. I called the OB today to find out what to do from here and they want me to come in every other day to get my Beta HCG read. When it gets up to 3000 they will do a ultrasound. That is sounding really good right now! I just pray that I am not getting my hopes up to only be let down again. I will keep you updated regardless.

Dear God, I just want to thank you for all of the wonderful things you have brought to my life. Between having my partner, family and wonderful friends you would assume things couldn't be better. Well they are because you blessed us with a little miracle. Please help this bean stay strong so that in 8 months I can meet them and bring him/her home. I cannot thank you enough for your blessings. I also want to pray for my ttc friends. I know many of them have had such a bumpy road. Can you help them in any way? Thank you thank you thank you. I love you and your amazing power. I cannot thank you enough.

Slowly Losing it or Quickly Gaining It?

I am not sure what is causing this but I have had the WORST mood swings lately. Sunday you midas well should have kept as far away from me as possible to avoid me biting your head off. I tried to keep to myself that day and was really quiet but then of course he notices and asks "Are you mad about something?". I really wish I had a reason to be grumpy but I didn't. I had no reason at all and I didn't even have a clue to why I was so irritated. Maybe it is all of the medication that I am on. It may have caused my hormones to go crazy. I have noticed since I started my prescription of Progesterone that I have been more irritable than usual. Could that really be it? Im hoping, wishing and praying that it is all going to be worth it.

Today I think I am 5DPO. I'm not sure because I got a positive on my OPK last week but then this weekend I had a little pain in my ovaries which could have been ovulation pain. I guess I will just wait and see if AF shows her ugly face or not. I am really debating on taking a HPT at all. It crushes me when I take one and get a BFN. I'd rather just be disappointed when AF comes then seeing a little stick tell me I'm a failure. Not sure if I will be able to log on this weekend considering all of the activities that will be going on. I hope you have a great weekend and I will catch up with you later. Hopefully with good news.

"Dear God, I don't know what I am doing wrong but I cant get a BFP for the life of me. We have never had an issue conceiving before, I don't know why it is so hard now. Maybe it is because I want it so very bad. Please take care of the babies coming into our lives in the next few months. Let them be healthy and happy lil babies. I know the mommies will make great mothers. I hope I can join the club sometime. Amen"

Here We Are Again

So we are back in the waiting game as I am currently 2 DPO. We really didn't BD as much as I wanted to this month but that is becoming more and more of a problem. I don't understand why his sex drive is so low sometimes. I feel like I'm always the initiator. Should I be worried? I guess we were planning on not really "trying" this month anyways and were just going to go with the flow. I did take my prescription of Clomid during AF and am now taking Estrogen to thicken my uterus lining. I just hope this is our month as I am getting sick of saying that yet month after month. Can you sense that I'm a little feisty today?

On the home front everything is good. Don't really have any complaints. We have found a beautiful piece of property that we are looking into financing for. It is a little over 20 acres about 25 minutes away in Vicksburg, Michigan. It would definitely be a place to develop on one day. I would like to get going on buying this property because then maybe that will give me something to get my mind off of ttc. I never in my life thought it would be like this. There are some woman who ttc for years and years and I'm sitting here complaining about getting 2 BFN's. I guess I'm getting used to feeling sorry for myself.

Last weekend was great. I had a few girlfriends come visit from up North and he had a few friends visit as well and we all hit it off and had an awesome weekend. His brother's wedding is next weekend. I am excited and it should be a fun time. Me and him are in the wedding so I have a feeling it will be very busy and the weekend is going to fly by. Thank goodness it's Memorial Weekend and I have a 4 day weekend. I will definitely need one full day to re cooperate.

So the wait is on, and we are here again. I've decided to take a HPT on Memorial Day as it would be a fun surprise to me and him if it was a BFP. I'm just ready to be myself again and to stop being so down. I am very hard on myself and by failing in the fertility department it's hardly forgivable. I guess all I can do is be patient because God has a plan for me. AF is due on the second and if that is what's in store for me then bring it on!

Dear God, firstly I want to pray for all the angel babies that You have created. I hope they are having the best life possible that the earth could not give them. I want to thank You for giving my love to me as he has made me so very happy and yet continues to. I thank You for my health and wisdom as well. You decided that Becky's beautiful angel wasnt meant for earth and she is now heartbroken. Please help her during this very painful time and I hope she becomes closer to You.

Does Doctor Know Best?

Today I had a follow up appointment with my OB. She wants me to come in regularly since being prescribed Clomid to see if we need to take a bigger approach or not. Have I ever told you how much I LOVE my new doctor? She is very aggressive and persistant about me having a baby in my arms soon. The pregnancy thing we have down, now its the carrying to term we are working on. She asked how things were going and if I wanted to continue with the Clomid. I told her that is fine but we need to fix the issue about the "dryness". So then she wrote me a prescription for Estradiol which is supposed to stimulate my estrogen and prevent dryness. She also prescribed me Prochieve which is a suppository to induce Progesterone. So now let me think about everything that I am currently talking:

Baby Aspirin- to clear blood clots if this is an issue
Prenatal Vitamins- to get my body healthy and "baby ready"
Clomid- to regulate Ovulation and releases the healthiest eggs
Estradiol- basically is Estrogen in a pill. This will help with dryness "down there"
Prochieve- Progesterone

Really? I always thought to get pregnant all you had to do was have unprotected sex one time. Boy was I ever wrong. Yes, this happens to some people, but then there are people like me who have to "try". I just don't understand life sometimes. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to just give up. But as much as I want to give up, more of me wants a healthy baby in my arms. I have decided to join a support group with other woman who have had losses. The first meeting is next Wednesday and I am kind of excited to meet others like me. For once I wont have to feel ashamed talking about it and can be completely open and honest. I hope there are woman there with success stories to life my spirits. I really need some encouragement to proceed and to not be felt sorry for. I just need to air my dirty laundry.

Dear God, I want to start by thanking you for giving Kristi her little miracle; but why did you then decide to take it away? It was her fourth pregnancy and she has yet to carry to term. Now this is her fourth miscarriage. I want to pray for her in hopes that she will be able to recover from this emotionally to begin trying again. I know You have a plan for us all but why does it have to include so much pain and misery? I really need to be closer to You right now, but it's hard because I feel You can cause me so much pain. I hope that us "infertile" can find our way out of this long dark tunnel because once we feel rescued, we are only lost again. Just please show us the light. I do want to thank you for giving Becky her BFP this month. She will be a great mother again. Give my angel babies kisses for me and tell them I love them and will never forget them. Amen

I Hope So

I saw this on another womans blog and I hope it is true.

"Every day that passes is closer to that day when you will have a baby and when what you are experiencing right now will be just a bad memory."

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/recurrentmiscarriages/a/recurrentmisc.htm

Try Again

I ended up taking a HPT with a friend this week. I had a feeling that I would get a BFN but I decided to test anyways. She got a very faint line (positive) and I got absolutely nothing (BFN). I felt like crap that my body has again failed me. We actually "tried" this month and I didn't fall pregnant. Yet the months that we don't try, we fall pregnant. So because of that we have decided not to "try" anymore. It is stressful and it has taken away much of the romance. I'm fine with the decision for now. If we don't get pregnant again for a few months then I will definitely want to be more proactive.

Sad to report that AF came Friday but on a positive note she came a day early. I guess that's the consolation prize that I win if you call that a prize at all. I've decided that the only thing that will continue this month will be my prescription of Clomid. I have a OB appointment on Tuesday and I will talk to her to see what she suggests. I don't mind being on the fertility drug although I think it may be hurting me more than helping me. Sorry if TMI but a side affect that I have gotten was I am as dry as the Sahara "down there" lately. That cant be good for his spermies. If only I could see into the future or someone could tell me what I should be doing to be successful at fertility. I've officially become a pregnancy flunky. Here's to another month. We wont be trying but we also wont be preventing. Fingers and toes are crossed. Please let this be our month.

Dear God, Thank You for your presence in my life. I see the miracles that You perform everyday. I know I don't give You the credit you deserve and sometimes can be selfish. Lately I have been asking for favors and for help. I just want You to know how thankful I am for you giving Your life for us. My faith in you has never left, I had only misplaced it for a bit. Thank you for being patient with me. Amen

9 DPO

Well I made it to 9 DPO.... I don't know how I did it without ripping my hair out but I'm here. Trying to conceive has not been a fun task in my life. After my first m/c people would say "Just think of how much fun you will have 'trying'". I wish I could go back and tell them IT HAS NOT BEEN FUN. My second m/c came and gone and now we are back in the group of trying all over again. Does this ever get easier? I'm not sure. I have my days when I am so grateful for being blessed with everything in my life, but I also have the bad days when I feel like I'm the unluckiest person in the world. God must really have a great sense of humor.

I have met a few woman on a medical site who I have grown very close to. We are all in the process of TTC after loss and we can share our experiences with each other. One lady in particular is on the same cycle as me. She is a true Godsend and she has supported me through this whole waiting process. We have agreed to be cycle buddies and will be taking a HPT tomorrow morning together. She will be the first person to know the result besides my love. I will be so very excited for both of us if we get our BFP as we can track our pregnancy together online. I have never been so nervous though about testing. I am feeling very down today and don't think I will get my BFP and she will. I will still be very happy for her if she does, but I will be upset that my body has failed me once again. Cant something just go right for once?

Next weekend we are taking a mini-vacay to Detroit with some friends to see a few Tigers games. I'm pretty excited to get away and it will take my mind off of TTC. Plus I love spending time with him outside of the house. We will close on that thought.

Dear God, I am not sure what I am supposed to be learning but I hope I find out soon. All I know is the power that you have is amazing and I know that you can help us with this one little wish. I want to make him happy, our families happy, and to make You happy. I know I can do that when I prove to you how I was made to be a mother. Just give me the chance and I will show you. I will be forever in your debt. I also pray for my friend Becky who has also been burned with infertility. She is so deserving to be a mother to another beautiful baby. Please protect her and her family. Amen.

When the Going Gets Tough

I was feeling a little lost today so I decided to write everything down. At times it does help to do so, but sometimes it only brings back the hurt and sadness. Today I decided it would help. My weekend was very full of events so it felt like it went by faster than usual. Friday the bride-to-be came down and we met up at the mall after I got out of work to find bridesmaid dresses. Apparently the decision was already made because when I went into the store my dress was on hold and I only had to try it on and pay for it. She chose a dark pink for the dress and decided that we will all wear silver shoes. I need to remember to add that to my shopping list. After a bit of shopping we went to dinner and a movie. It was a pretty laid back night. The next day I offered to go shopping with her to help out more with the wedding but she just wanted to get home. So we went for breakfast and she went back up North shortly afterwards. I wasn't as hurt as I thought I would to see her pregnant belly. The only time I was stung with a bit of hurt was every time she rubbed her belly. I know she didn't mean it maliciously, but it was like being reminded that she was pregnant and I was not. I had a baby shower the next day for another friend so then I went shopping for pretty much the rest of the afternoon.
Again, I thought the baby shower would be hard for me to sit through but I really wasn't bothered that much at all. The only thing that did was sitting in a room full of woman who where either married, engaged, pregnant or had kids. We were pretty much all around the same age group and I felt like I was the odd one out. I want to be happy like that someday. I'm tired of being the girlfriend. I'm tired of being child-less. I've been proposed to before but I wasn't ready. I could have had kids years ago but I wasn't ready. Well I'm ready for the next step in my life. I have found my life partner and am ready for my Happily Ever After.

This weekend was also a bit stressful as on Friday morning I got a positive that I finally ovulated. This means we only have a small window to conceive. I went home from work at lunch on Friday and we BD. We also BD on the previous Tuesday and then Sunday. We really didn't try that hard which I am pretty bummed about. But maybe we got lucky. I'm scheduled to start AF next Saturday if it was a no go. I'm going to be proactive though and go in to get a blood test next Wednesday though just to be on the safe side. If we did indeed conceive a little miracle then I want to go in and start getting my weekly shots of Progesterone. I can only hope!!!

"Dear God, I am ready to be a mother and have never been more ready in my life. I want to raise children and get married and do everything that you are supposed to do. I want to be happy and I believe this is the route to my happiness. Do you see a miracle in our future anytime soon? I hope my two angel babies arent causing too much trouble up there :) I also hope they are looking after their mother because I am truly starting to lose hope. Amen"

It's Now or Never

This week has been going by relatively fast. He went to get fitted for his tux for his brothers wedding which is in May. The bride will be coming down this Friday so we can go shopping and find me and another girl a bridesmaid dress. I'm happy I will get to spend some time with her but to be completely honest it will hurt to see her growing belly. She found out she was pregnant about a month after us back in December. And now she has a growing belly that looks like "a small basketball under her shirt" <- Actual words from her mouth. I know it's going to hurt to be around her and I will be thinking that should be me right next to her with a growing belly as well. But I know I will suck it up and act like nothing out of the ordinary but will really be crying inside. Even after this much time after my m/c, it still hurts. No one can truly understand what I am going/went through unless they have experienced it first hand. I had a friend in Florida who didn't know she was even pregnant and then delivered a stillborn baby boy last year. When I found out I cried my eyes out for her thinking about what she must be going through. Little did I know I would know a few months later.

I finished my prescription of Clomid last Friday which I am happy to report. The side effect that kicked my butt the most was the headaches and fatigue. All I wanted to do the entire week was sleep. I daydreamed about sleeping while I was at work and napped right when I got home. Would wake up and eat dinner, and then right back in bed. I feel better this week although the headaches still come and go. I called my doc yesterday because I wasn't sure if the headaches were being caused by the Clomid or if there was something else wrong. She confirmed that yes Clomid does in fact increase headaches. It was a bit of a reliever to know there wasn't anything additional wrong with me. On the down side though she said the Clomid will be in my system for a while and that means the side effects will be there until it was gone. Just my luck, if it wasn't one thing it's another.

This week the ovulation calendar says it's time to BD. We are planning on it for the next few nights, but I hope it doesn't grow old and we give up. Trying isn't as much fun as it sounds. It's stressful and yanks the romance out of it. Why is it that most people do not even have to "try"? They just "get" pregnant, some not even knowing it. I don't know why this has been such a difficult task for us to accomplish. I really hope we get some good news soon. I'm going to be heartbroken if in May I get AF again instead of a BFP. Being positive and keeping faith can be really hard at times. Especially when we try so hard for something and get nothing in return.

"Dear God, please give us a little miracle. I know it's not much to some people but this would be my dream come true. We would give the child the best life that we possibly could. I know we will be great parents and we cant handle getting hurt again. Please take this pain away. Amen."

Long Time Coming

It has been way too long since I have written on here so I will update on the last current events. First order on the agenda was that I discontinued seeing my therapist. She seemed very nice, but I don't think it was for me. It was awkward telling her how I felt and what I went through. I just don't see the purpose in telling a complete stranger my inner most thoughts. But for some that it works for, that's great, but it just wasn't for me.
AF arrived exactly on schedule on Saturday the 10th. I was a little sad of course (I was secretly hoping for a BFP), but why shouldnt I be? That morning was terrible. I woke up and felt AF nearing around the corner with her arrival any second. I jumped in the shower and immediatly started getting light headed and dizzy. This was how I felt when I almost past out after giving 12 viles of blood a week ago. I wasnt able to stand any longer and thought I would pass out so I layed in the tub for a while. he came in and helped me to bed and made me something to eat. I dont know what happened but maybe it was because I have only had 2 periods in the last 5 months. Perhaps low blood sugar....who knows. I napped for a few hours and woke up to AF knocking on the door and I hesitatly let her in. It wasnt so bad though because I was looking forward to starting my prescription of 50mg Clomid that my doctor had prescribed. I was to take it on day 3 of AF throughout day 7. I started taking the little white pill Monday and havent had many side effects. I read that they range from mood swings, to heart burn to headaches to hot flashes. I think I MIGHT have had a hot flash on day #2 but im not sure. I got really sweaty from doing little work. And I HAVE had more headaches than usual. I thought it was from stress but I stress all the time and have never had this many headaches in one day. So far so good though. If this is what it takes to have a healthy lil guy/girl then im ok with that. We plan to BD next week all week long just to make sure we dont mess up our chances on Clomid Baby. I just hope we are feeling up to it.

Results Are In and I Dont Feel Better

Considering it has been over a week I figured I had better show some "Blog Love". My Easter weekend went by quickly. I had gone down to Kentucky to visit my grandparents and many other relatives were also visiting which was nice to have us all together. Ended up going to the Horse Races with my grandfather and a few others which was interesting as I had never been before. One thing I didn't understand is why everyone gets so dressed up to go gamble. I mean the guys were in suits and the woman were in dresses and heels. So naturally I felt a little out of place wearing jeans. Other than that it was a great time despite losing. Saturday we went to an Easter Egg hunt downtown New Haven and watched my little cousin having a blast. Sunday was of course Easter dinner and it made me realize how much I love my Nana's cooking. It was a great mini vacay overall. I couldn't have asked for a better time.

Monday was back to the old grind. I knew my appointment was later in the afternoon at 3:30 and the day couldn't drag by any slower. When I had finally made it through my day I headed to my OBGYN office. This was the appointment where I got my lab results back and perhaps discovering a reason behind my miscarriages. I don't know at this point if I wanted a reason or not but when she told me there was nothing unusual and that I was completely healthy I was a bit shocked. How could a healthy persons body reject two children already? I don't know what to think. She said she could test him, refer us to Genetic Testing, or wait until my next cycle and put me on Clomid. I said we would do option #3 for now. Although when I got home I felt that after everything I had gone through and am going through that maybe he should get checked as well. That way if it comes back that he is healthy too then we wont be so scared about trying again. I don't want to keep trying and keep having m/c. I want to figure out the cause and treat it if possible. I brought it up to him and it seemed like it wasn't something he considered doing. Really?? After everything, you cannot do one thing for me and our future children? Now you see why I feel alone...

How the Time Flies

Wow I cant believe it has been one week since I have wrote on here. Not really sure why I haven't but I will make up for lost time. I went to see my OBGYN last Monday to figure out where we will go from here. She said her office is very aggressive and was very convinced that I WILL have a baby. Her confidence made me feel a little better. She said that when we get pregnant again she will give me a weekly shot of Progesterone just in case I do not produce enough. She also considered putting me on Clomid which is a fertility drug that the last doctor was very against. This drug would take my healthiest egg out of the bunch and in in return me carrying full term. The side effects could lead up to having twins but at this point I will take anything just to have my baby (babies) in my arms. This office was so much nicer and my doctor was so compassionate (unlike my last doctor who was- let me remind you, from Hell). She just kept reassuring that it will happen and told me we could start trying again next month. So I had high hopes for 2009 which were flushed down the toilet, 2010 has already been a bust for me, so all I can do is wait and pray that 2011 will be MY YEAR!!

I met my psychologist last Tuesday and she seems very pleasant. Not really sure if the counseling hurt or helped me. I tried my hardest not to break down but I couldn't help it. I know I'm normal, I'm grieving, just let me cry dammit. She wanted me to talk about it which was hard because it brought back all of those terrible emotions. I was able to get my life story out and her response was "It sounds like you blame yourself". I don't know if I blame myself to be honest. I hated myself for it happening, yes. I guess our future visits will be able to determine more of what is going on in my head. An important note that she kept repeating was to write out my feelings, to let everything out. I told her about my Blog on here and she asked if I could print it out so she could read it. That makes me nervous because I have shown many low points on here. The good, the bad, the dark, the light, the sad. I don't want to be judged. It is what it is. If I could change things I would in a heartbeat. There are things that I would sacrifice to have others.

All in all I am having an okay day. I had about 12 viles of blood taken from me last week for testing and should here back sometime this week or at the latest at my next appointment on April 5Th. I just need to think positive and make it through this year!

Boo Fucking Hoo

I thought by writing my feelings and inner most thoughts on here it would help me grieve better than I am able to do in real life. Maybe it hasn't helped me at all but brings back all of those terrible memories when I arrive? This is where I vent, cry, mourn, bitch, and feel sorry for myself. Aside from this blog I continue to hurt yet I can sometimes hide it behind a smile although I might be on the verge of tears. Losing not only my first but my first two children by m/c has completely taken over my life. I am no longer the person that I was and honestly don't know if I will ever be again. This is bigger than me. It has taken over and completely consumed everything that I used to be. When I am not living my everyday life I am constantly thinking about my m/c, reading blogs about others m/c, reading medical books/websites about m/c and apparently cannot shut up about m/c. I feel like I am better, although I know deep down I am still suffering. I have come to the conclusion that I will seek help from a grief psychologist as embarrassing as it is for me to admit this. I have experienced something in my life that is completely out of my control and do not know how to go through with it. Please God cut me a break. I am on the edge and need to fix this. It is killing me.

I got a smack in the face with reality yesterday when I felt like everyone who mattered the most to me was against me. Like the hurt and pain that I feel in my heart shouldn't bother me and that I need to "get over it". That hurt. I felt betrayed and pushed up against a wall. I have mentioned prior that maybe I need help with this (with medication or counseling) and no one thought that was necessary. I don't think a person who DIDN'T need it, would say they need it. Who WANTS to be put on medication? Who WANTS to seek counseling? There are many thoughts that go through my head and not out loud that if someone knew, would be dragging me to get help. I am feeling more and more dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I didn't choose to be like this. Why do people feel like I can just change? So tomorrow evening is my very first night to sit down with the Crazy Doctor and tell her all about myself. I just hope I don't make a fool of myself and start crying during my story (my damn hormones are all messed up right now because of my last m/c). I hope this helps. If it doesn't I don't know what else to do. I feel so alone.

Results are In

I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and she had confirmed that my HCG levels had gone down which means this was considered another m/c (it would be an abnormal pregnancy if they went up). It's like I didn't already know that, but hey Doc, thanks for the confirmation. She then scheduled me an appointment Monday afternoon to meet with the doctor and talk about our options from here. Now it doesn't bother me at all to wait until Monday for an appointment because we already have heard the medical crap before but you would think if someone had a m/c they would get you in right away and talk to the doctor. I mean, this is a pretty big deal! If this was my FIRST m/c and they had me wait till Monday, I'd be pist and ask to come in sooner. Who wants to stew over this all weekend and not even get the chance to see a doctor or ask questions till then? And because of that it is when we resort to the Internet for our answers. Ever since my first m/c I had become obsessed about finding out anything and everything about a m/c and it was all online. You have to take in consideration though that everyone has their own opinion and every medical practice does things differently. I only hope that they had me wait till the next available appointment because they know we have been through this before and do not do this to woman with their first m/c.

I'm honestly coping better this time, and so is he. We have really learned how to lean on one another which makes things easier. But just because I am coping better doesn't mean that I'm not devastated about what happened AGAIN. I have just accepted the fact that there was nothing I could have done. I am really looking forward to the genetic counseling though. I hope that it helps prevent this ever again in the future. But for now I just continue to be sad and envy every pregnant woman I see. After the first lost I was still hopeful, but now I feel like shit and am losing all hope. Like it or not....this is my life.

That's not what I want to Hear

I went back to the doctor this morning and they gave me another blood test. They want to check to see whether or not my HCG levels are going up. The nurse that I talked to on the phone the other day said that if they go up from Monday's appointment that it is considered an abnormal pregnancy and I will be given an ultrasound. If the HCG levels go down then I had a m/c. I don't understand why there is a label and so many different types of m/c. Do the doctors do this because they think we need a label as to what happened? I didn't "lose" my babies, they were taken from me. It is out of our hands and there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome. And then there are the people who try and comfort you. Trust me; the last thing I want to hear is "Everything happens for a Reason". OK so if that is true than what good has come of this? What is the reason? And my personal favorite is "It just wasn't meant to be". So the woman who are crack addicts that have babies down dark ally ways; that was "meant to be"? Then there is the world around you who gives you no time to mourn. Nothing stops, and you don't slow down to give the loved ones lost the proper grieving. You just keep trying to make each day better than the last. It is so frustrating. I guess I am only venting and now probably rambling.

So I'm just waiting for a call from the doctor to find out if I m/c, when we all know that I have. It is strange but for some reason this time around I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms like I had last time. I had a weird feeling but didn't want to worry too much about it and put them off as anxiety. The nurse is planning on referring us to Genetic Counseling so they can perform tests to perhaps find out why I keep m/c'ing. It will bring us some peace I believe to know what happened and I pray there is something we can do to prevent this from happening again.

Half and Half

Back from vacation and feel well rested. Had a great time in the Riviera Maya and we got to do just about everything that we wanted to. The weather was gorgous and we got lucky as it never rained as they said it was supposed to. The all-inclusive resort was great and from here on I couldnt imagine doing anything but. We went on a few excursions which included an ATV trip through the jungle, zip-lines, canote and Tulum Ruins. The last day or so we were there we got a chance to go parasailing. It was a great time and provided much relaxation which was much needed.

So vacation was good but coming home was a disaster. Our flight was delayed two and a half hours, then when we got into Detroit the truck was dead. Even after all of that it seemed like nothing else could go wrong.

I found out over a week ago that I was pregnant again. We didnt want to get too excited about it until we heard the heartbeat this time so we didnt tell anyone. Good thing because I started bleeding on Sunday. I wasnt too worried at first but then on Monday it got very heavy. I went to the doctor that morning to get checked on because I was worried I was having another m/c. They took a blood test and sent me on my way saying they would call me back with the results. I waited until 3pm and called them to see if the results were in and the nurse had told me my HCG was as low as a 79. At 5 weeks along she said they should be over a 1000. Here we go again......

She said that it was confirmed that I was pregnant but with the bleeding and low HCG level it was more than likely that I will miscarry again. So now I am devastated. I have been pregnant two times and both had ended in m/c. The first was at 9 weeks and the second at 5. Is it getting worse? I feel like i'm not progressing at all and that i'm only going backwards. I am so depressed and all I want to do right now is sleep and cry. Why cant two young and healthy people have a child when there are people out there unfit to be parents and they have healthy babies? We would be great parents and I dont know why God is punishing us or whatever he is doing. We dont need time, we are ready. I am miserable and bitter right now. I just want my baby and dont care about anything else. When will things get better? I thought this year was supposed to be better?

Spring Break at 25

We are heading on vacation in a few days and trust me I've never needed it more. I have been so stresses lately but it seems to be getting better the closer our vacation gets to actually being here. Work has been insanely busy and there are times my head literally spins. I'm cutting back on caffeine too which doesn't help. It's fine though because next week I will be sitting on the beach in the warm sun.

I know that no one actually reads my Blog, well except for him and he knows already, so I will tell you what happened last night. Had some really bad stomach pains the last few days which I mislead as cramps. I was just curious and had one EPT test left so I took it last night after dinner. I made sure he checked it because I hate being disappointed all by myself. Well to our surprise it had two pink lines. One was kind of faint so we will take another in a few days to make sure. I'm not going to get too excited about it just yet until we are for sure pregnant. If we are, no drinks for me in Mexico which I am completely fine with because I know what means more to me. If I am not pregnant then beginning Saturday morning: Let the Party Begin!!

I will keep you updated as always.

Back to the Basics

Time has seemed to fly since we first found out about our m/c on December 30th 2009. We have gone through so much and I am hoping that only the best is to come. I never forget about our angel baby that we have lost and think about them everyday. Wherever you are, your mommy loves you very much and would have done anything that she could to have kept you here with her in this world. I loved you since the moment I saw the two pink lines and I will never forget you.

Before we had found out about our m/c we never had a thought in our mind that this could happen. We were both healthy, active and young. Yet God works in mysterious ways. I felt like an outsider when I came to terms with what had just happened. I had realized at that moment I didn't know anyone else who had experienced this type of loss. Although from there on out other woman started opening up to me (even some that I've known for years!) about their past m/c and experiences. I thought I was alone and that this type of thing rarely happened but now I know that this is more common than many people think. Our doctor told us one in every four pregnancies end in miscarriage. ONE in FOUR!!! I just want to thank each and every woman who had the courage to share their m/c with me. This has been the best type of healing that I could have asked for. I feel like I have a special bond with each of these woman now. This has made them and myself stronger. Why do people feel they should be ashamed after a miscarriage? I believe that it is mostly because they feel singled out. Losing a child is not something that is included in everyday conversation and now from experience I know it is painful to talk about. You have a long list of questions about what had happened and what could have been prevented although everyone's main question is: "Why?" That is something that most of us will never get an answer to. Granted some get test results back about what had happened but the ones like me will only be left unanswered.

If we did not conceive this month than Aunt Flo should be arriving on next Saturday which I am dreading because that is the first day of our vacation. I am supposed to be relaxing on the beach with a cold drink and my man by my side, not curled up on our hotel bed with a bottle of Midol and cramps. Regardless I will be taking an Early Response Pregnancy Test on Monday to find out if I will be expecting Aunt Flo or not. I will keep you updated as always.

We tried

According to the books I read my ovulation period is over for this month. If we don't get preggers from this month of trying than I guess we will have to wait until the next. It's crazy how many websites and books are out there about conceiving. They all have their own perspective of how this is all supposed to happen. I read on one site that if we conceived on the 16th we would have a girl and a boy on the 18th. How do they test this theory as most woman go past their due dates or have premature births? Typical doctors thinking that they know it all. I really hope that we conceived this month as the site also said if so the due date would be November 11th. Right before the holidays, how perfect would that be! But I don't want to get my hopes up. I know I've been disappointed and very hurt in the past. All I can do from here out is cross my fingers and leave it up to God.

I've started packing for our trip which is in a week and a half. I want to make sure I am not forgetting anything and if I need to go buy something I can do it now and save the stress later. My cousin and her boyfriend will be arriving in Mexico shortly after us. Don't really have any sets plans yet but I'm sure that will change soon. This winter has seemed to last so long and I cannot wait to see the sun again.

I was referred to another OB/GYN which is closer to our house. I am not pregnant yet (that I know of) but I scheduled an appointment March 25th for a meet and greet to check the office out. The lady seemed very friendly which was refreshing as the last doctors office we went to was a disaster. There is a coworker of mine who uses this office and highly referred them. So we will see.

It's Now or Never

I've been watching my calender waiting for the time to finally come so we could start "trying" again. Well according to several websites it seems that today and tomorrow will be my most fertile days to conceive. I got an at-home fertility test to take tonight to see just how accurate these websites are. If so, we will be trying like crazy for the next few days. Wish us luck!!

Found out today that some friends of ours is having a boy. Let me remind you that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. Our friends, our families and several of my coworkers. It was hard at first to even speak to any of them (out of jealousy I suppose) but now I'm healing and accepting what had become. Don't take me wrong, I'm still jealous but just not in a crazy way where I didn't even want to be in the same room as them. I'm coping yet am still sad knowing that in less than a week WE were supposed to find out the gender. ****Sigh***** I don't really know what to else to write right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Will write more another time....

It's all becoming clearer

This week has gone by pretty well. Work is getting better (my head was spinning last week), and I’m definitely looking forward to my three day weekend. Have the whole weekend off again and was planning on doing some shopping tomorrow morning for our vacay to Mexico. We are going to Playa De Carmen in Riviera Maya and will be staying for one week. I cannot wait to get away for a little while and especially to be away from the snow. I’ll be laying on the hot beach with a cold drink in hand in about 3 weeks and counting. My mom jokes that we will probably conceive while in Mexico because we will be so relaxed. Although if we don’t conceive this month, by that time I will be seeing Aunt Flo again. Bad timing but true. I can’t wait to see what is in store for me this year as I hope this year is one I never forget.

I recently bought a few things for our future little one. I know it may seem silly as I am not even pregnant again yet but it helps me cope. Seeing the baby room begin to take shape makes me feel that having a family will eventually happen and keeps me staying positive. This has been the hardest thing I have ever went through in my life so far and if this is the way I need to cope with things, then so be it. Atleast it is healthy for me, my future baby and my family. I just cant wait for the things to be used and the room to be occupied.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. I’m a big holiday person if you didn’t know that already. He has made us plans to go to a Hot Tub place to relax that evening, then to see the Movie Dear John that I’ve been dying to see, and then dinner somewhere. I’m just excited to spend time with him. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us and I couldn’t imagine it with anyone else. I can’t wait to have our perfect little family. I know things won’t be prefect and it will take a lot of work but we will do the best we possibly can. He and I both have loving and supportive parents who will root us on the whole way. Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will catch up more next week!!

Slowly but Surely

So this weekend didnt turn out to be so bad. I took the weekend off to simply relax and not have anything planned at all. Got some homework done, went to see a movie, cleaned a little and hung out with the dogs. It really is strange how things work because the instance I got comfortable and forgot about all of my recent troubles, here Aunt Flo comes out of no where. I dont know where she was hiding but it was good timing since the fact that I was supposed to call the doc today if it had not come by now. So I am feeling a little better. Actually scratch that, i'm feeling a lot better. Maybe stress really did have something to do with her lateness. Now I feel I need to relax more often. No promises, but I am working on it and that is the first step.

We are going to start "trying" again hopefully once Aunt Flo goes away. I figure maybe if we concieve in the next month or two, we will have a little baby by the end of the year after all. Things are looking up. I just hope it's only a postive experience from here on out.

As for my doc.... we are looking for someplace new to go. The Office Manager called me today and she was anything but polite. When I told her I had concerns about the bill we recieved she said "We are NOT waiving your bill!!" in a matter of fact tone. I said that is fine and that wasnt what I was asking for, I just wish you would have told us it was not covered by our insurance if it wasnt. My doc also claimed to have told us about using protection until my first cycle and apparently was offended by our pointing out that she had not. Then told the Office Manager that I "demanded" for her to give me Pregnancy Tests in her defense. WTF. This is how it REALLY went down.
Me: "Do you maybe have any sample Pregnancy Tests that I could take home?" <--- in a nice tone
Doc: "Ummm NO. We pay for them too ya know. We go to the store and they are not cheap." <--- in a nasty tone
So okay, that was the last straw. Told them Thank you but I will be using another office from here on out. I dont see how these people could be so rude and uncompassionate after the experience that we had just gone through. How unprofessional and wrong of her to say I would demand anything. That was our second doc we went to. I hope 3rd times a charm!!!

I'm at the End of the Tunnel but I cant see the Light

The best news that I got all week was this morning realizing it was Thursday and not Wednesday. This week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Still no sign of the ever so famous Aunt Flo. Now here comes all of the ADD and OCD that I have in me, I can see already anxiety is going to eat me alive. I want it to be here ASAP. Why would I want something so terrible? you might ask. I need to know on my own that everything went as planned and is going as scheduled. Also I need to know that I am not pregnant. Don't get me wrong I would love to be pregnant right now (15 weeks along to be exact) but not so soon. If we get pregnant before my first cycle the miscarriage rate goes up 50%. This was just a lovely tidbit of information our Doc failed to advise us of until just recently. This is just one reason why I have a bad taste in my mouth about this office. The other is them telling us my insurance will cover the procedure and then (SURPRISE!!!!) getting a bill in the mail for almost a thousand dollars. Apparently only a portion was covered. I called today and expressed what I thought of it all and let me tell you I was shaking afterwards. I do feel bad now, I'm really not a bad person just someone who cannot express her emotions very well. I'm good at bottling everything for so long and then having an emotional breakdown and they experienced that firsthand today.

I hope next week is better. I say that every week but yet it seems to be the same. It's almost like my life has turned into Groundhogs Day and I have nothing to look forward to. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, do homework and go to bed. I need something new to look forward to. I need something to make my life fun and exciting again. I feel like I'm falling down a deep dark hole and am so far down I cant see the light. Pleeeeeeeease let this get better.

What's the Point?

When I first started this Blog I wasn't sure what direction to go in. I wanted my close friends and a few select family members to follow us on our journey on becoming parents. Now my profile is no longer private and I am not sure whether this is a good or bad idea. I'd hate to take the criticism of others. I've read other Blogs from woman who have also had a m/c and some have truly lifted my spirits in time of need. Many of the posts end up with a happy ending and I hope mine ends the same. So I am going to continue with this for now... not sure how long, but maybe until I get my happy ending. This could take a while....
While I was growing up I dreamt about pretty much the same as most typical adolescents. I wanted to go to college after High School, meet my soulmate and be married by 24, and have my first child at 25. Well, i've been going to college part time on and off for I dont even want to know for how long, we starting dating and I was 24 and probably wont be married for a few more years, and im 25 without any children. Fairy tale endings my ass. People in storybooks dont pay bills, work or have m/c. So what is the point in making people believe in something that doesnt exist? I dont get it, and I never will. This Blog is going to get personal so I hope your as ready for the bumpy road as I am.

Hellooo where are you?

Tomorrow will be four weeks since my surgery. Body is not cooperating and I still haven’t started my cycle yet. Hopefully this week. If it doesn’t come by Feb 8th we are supposed to call the doctor. I’m sure thinking about it every day isn’t helping. He told me it’s probably the stress that’s keeping it away. I know, I know, everyone says “Don’t stress”. Easier said than done people. If you even know me at all, I am not a patient person. I also am someone that likes to be in fully control of my life. I’m a go-getter; and if I want something I do what it takes to get it. This is probably why this has affected my life so much. For once, something was completely out of my hands and there was nothing that I could do to change it.

This has helped me slow down a bit and also helped me prepare a little better this time as well. We have done a lot to prepare the baby room. Well actually to be honest I picked everything out and he did all the physical work (Thanks again hun, you’re the best!). It’s all coming together and we are taking one step at a time. I can’t wait to have a little one to be able to enjoy the space.

I have a feeling this week will go by incredibly slow. Guess I will have to keep myself busy with work and school as usual. Took next weekend off at OG to relax a little. He got me a gift certificate to a spa for my birthday and I think it’s time to pamper myself :)

The Dream

Back around 8 weeks along I had a very memorable dream. I was holding my baby boy in my arms; he was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. My family and friends were with me and they all wanted to hold my baby. I passed him along but once out of my arms I never got him back. I just sat there watching everyone else hold him and pass him around watching with jealousy. Can’t I just hold my own baby?

I can still remember this dream and relive it when I close my eyes. I have never been one to try and decipher dreams as I can never remember them anyways, but this one was different. All I wanted was my baby but I couldn’t have him for some reason. Then 3 weeks later I found out about the MC. Was this some kind of strange omen? Was I able to predict what was inevitable to happen? I never thought a second about it when it occurred; I even told him about it and was joking about the dream when I woke up. But it was only a dream. I wish it could have lasted longer.

The Journey Continues

Please do not think that this experience has turned me into Negative Nancy. I have also taken some positive life lessons from this incident. I mostly have learned how to love deeper than I ever have before and to appreciate the things I do have in my life.
He has been so supportive and I do not know how I could have gone through this without him. I dont know how I will ever repay him. This has made me realize just what kind of man he is. I am proud to be the woman by his side and hope to one day be his partner for life. I do still have my health which they say is in excellent condition. I am also forever greatful for the family that I have. My parents are the most loving and caring parents and would do anything to see me happy. Then there are my very close friends that they almost seem like family more than a mere friend. They have all been there for me to lend a shoulder to cry on and also give me the space when needed. We also have two beautiful dogs who I wouldnt replace for the world...although sometimes I threaten them with going to the pound when I find they pee on the floor or chew my favorite sandel.
Although it has been almost a month since we found out about the MC I notice it has been a little easier every day to talk about it now. I think the best think to do over a tragedy is to express yourself instead of holding those emotions inside of you. I'm no doctor, but from experience this has helped me greatly. I have just started telling friends about the MC which was impossible to do before. I know they will all be supportive, as they wouldnt be my friends if they werent.
Moving forward (but not moving on), I had my D&C surgery 3 weeks ago yesterday. Went to the post-surgery appointment Jan 22nd and the Doc told us we could try again after my first cycle. We are going to start trying again at that point in time. Please wish us luck and keep us in your prayers. I will keep you posted on what is going on.

My Life as I Know it

Peoples lives can change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. I know my life has changed so much since the first day I found out I would be a Mother. Being a Mother is something I have always hoped and dreamed for my whole life but have never found a partner that I could imagine full filling this dream with. That was until I met him. Strangely enough we have so much in common but yet we compliment each others personalities. I feel safe with him and know I and my future children will be not in good but great hands. I couldn't have picked a better partner and thank God that he has brought him into my life.

December 30Th
Today is the day we will hear the baby's heartbeat at 11 weeks. We are both very excited and it is hard for me to sleep the night prior. He came with me to my appointment as he always does and sits by my side being as supportive as he always has. Met our physician today as well. She seems nice, although wasn't as comfortable with her as I thought I'd be. I was given a physical exam and she said everything looked normal. Then went on to hear the heartbeat through a microphone of some sort. There was a lot of static....then there was my heartbeat.... more static.....and nothing. She said my uterus appeared tipped and she would send me downstairs to the hospital to get an Ultrasound. This didn't seem to worry him at all, but I think from a Mothers instinct I felt like something wasn't right.
Went downstairs for the Ultrasound, felt like forever passed until we were called in. The nurse applied the Jelly to my stomach and began searching. Searched, took pictures and for some reason she couldnt find the heartbeat. This is when I felt a strange pain throughout my body. When the doctor came in he said he looked at the pictures and there was no heartbeat. "I'm sorry, but it appears that you had a miscarriage" is all I heard. He talked some more about what had happened but I froze unable to move, speak, or want to believe this was happening.
I was 11 weeks along, my baby stopped breathing at 9. How do I live without blaming myself for something I might have done? Of course they say it is nothing that you did for this to happen, but how do they really know? I feel like I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life. I feel void/null/blank/empty/sad/devestated and in disbelief. Will this pain ever subside?

Back to the Beginning

November 23rd we found out we were expecting. Most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. He was up North hunting and I was just arriving at work at a nearby bank. Bought an EPT on the way and when I took it.....it was POSITIVE. This was a feeling that I never felt. Was happy, nervous, excited and worried all at the same time. He felt the same and I couldnt wait for him to get home so we could talk about it. We chose to wait to tell our parents until Thanksgiving 2009 which was only a week later. Everyone was very excited and the grandparents all wanted a baby girl. We preferred a boy but would take whatever healthy baby we could get.

Had our first appt with the nurse a few weeks later, found out I was 7 weeks along. At the appt everything felt so real and I had a smile on my face the whole time. In only a little over 8 months I would be meeting my baby for the first time. This was the greatest feeling in the world. The nurse figured our due date as July 21st 2010. How perfect: I had always wanted a summer baby. We didnt start on the nursery yet, although secretly that's all I wanted to do. He felt like it was too soon and we decided to postpone working on the baby room until I was showing. Next appointment was scheduled with our physician (who we had not met yet) on December 30th. We were going to hear the baby's heartbeat and have a routine physical. I was 11 weeks along. I was very excited about this appointment, the day just could not come soon enough. And right before New Years, what a great way to start the new year. So I thought....